Friday, February 27, 2015

Ten Clues You’re a Mom and Not a Stripper Anymore

1)      The only time you whip out your breasts in public is to nurse your hungry baby.

2)      The best compliment you’ve received lately is when your husband saw you in jeans a few weeks postpartum and said, “You look good. Not thin, not fat, just normal” and it made you feel awesome.

3)      The comment “How beautiful!” lobbed in your direction no longer makes you think you might be able to sell a lap dance, but rather that you need to lock your daughter in her bedroom until she turns eighteen.

4)      The only hands you need to worry about tugging on your clothes and pulling your underpants down belong to fingers sticky with candy.

5)      You are now actually responsible for cleaning up all incidents of vomit, urine and feces that happen in your vicinity.

6)      Underwear is no longer about how much you can show, but how much you can hold in.

7)      The last time you had a Brazilian, it was a bag of take-out and didn’t involve hot wax, tears or walking funny the next day.

8)      The only bouncer in your employ is not a massive bodybuilder named Vinny, but a springy seat with baby elephants and kangaroos on it.

9)      The only bottle service you’re negotiating is whether you or your husband will be taking the 3 am feeding with baby.

10)  Instead of guys hassling you to negotiate for bjs, it’s all about fending off repeated requests for PB&Js.