Friday, March 28, 2014

Time Management

I remind myself that time is the one thing we all have equal amounts of, but with three kids and two jobs, it often feels like I’m on the short end of the receiving line.

I just finished working on a large grant for the literacy center where I volunteer. It feels so good to finish a looming project and really be done with it, to be able to check it off the mental list of things needing to be done.

There are enormous lists of projects I want to accomplish, but the hard part is always trying to decide which to focus on next and right when I think I’ll have a few moments to work uninterrupted, something else calls to me (often quite literally it is a small human tugging on one of my body parts).

Then all the daily work “needs” shout louder to be dealt with: take care of the kids and the home, write lesson plans for two colleges, grade papers and other assorted administrative stuff, then there are health and relationship issues to be dealt with.

And all of a sudden it’s Midnight and I’ve got nothing “extra” accomplished for the day. I think I need to set time, even if it is a tiny amount of like 30 minutes a day, to work on new writing projects. If I commit to it, just as I’ve committed to dancing and reflecting on my mental state every day, maybe I can squeeze out a few more valuable minutes out of the day.

Or I could just take a chill-pill and be happy with getting done the basics, but I think that’s not healthy overall for me. If I’m not working on something, writing something, plotting something, I think that’s when I become stagnant and depressed.

Now to figure out where I’m getting those extra thirty minutes from…

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Baby Steps...I Kept My Cool!

Do you ever notice how things happen in clumps?

Like if someone sneezes twice, it’s likely they’re going to sneeze a third time. If a few people die, you’re almost waiting for the next phone call.

That seems to be happening with me in the technological area the last few days. First, a grant I’m helping to write for a literacy center that I volunteer with—the website I was inputting all the data into crashed (or rather my computer crashed) and none of it was saved and I had to go back and re-input all the info.

Now, I make a video on the same camera I’ve been using for two weeks and all of a sudden it won’t upload.

Won’t. Do. It.

I had to remake the video and make it shorter; I’m thinking the computer won’t transfer a video longer than five minutes or something.


I’ve been watching myself the whole time. Watching my reactions to these frustrations that are kind of out of my control. Seriously, it’s like I’m this little bird fluttering above my head and watching it all go down. And to get really meta on you, I’m also aware of myself above myself, so it’s like a triple-awareness circle going on.

Now here comes the good part. I didn’t lose my cool.

Didn’t. Lose. It. At. All.

Normally, I’d be cursing and blaming the Universe for hating me, but over the last few days I’ve been much more aware of what I can and cannot control and how all I really can do sometimes is say—so what?

I can’t go back in time and change some things and it’s pointless in getting upset about them. Sometimes I just have to say, it happened, what should I do now (besides getting all upset and losing even more time in the process)?

So I made a new video and made it shorter and you know what I learned? That I’m really out of shape (that’s why you’ll notice I kind of petered out at the end there) and I could probably stand to start building up my fitness level with more dancing or more yoga.

And if bad mojo really does happen in clumps, at least I’ll be ready for it.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Honor the Self

One thing I’ve noticed, now that I’m two weeks into doing my daily dance devotion, is that I’m becoming less attached to the outcome every day, which for me is a good thing.

I tend to be perfectionistic and unable to “do” things in front of people that I don’t think I’m good at, which is why dancing and sharing it afterwards is healing for me. At first, I had all kinds of questions about my motivations and what I hoped to achieve from dancing, but every day, it matters less.

I’m finding that a lot of the good feelings I get from dancing and blogging are reverberations of the pride I feel in myself for showing up every day. I suppose it is much like a dedicated yoga practice or a devout religious person who shows up every day to their mat or to their place of worship to begin their day.

Right now, my place of worship, devotion, is here, to myself.

I have carved out this little place (very little, with too many toys, as you will see in today’s video), this little time, this little space to honor myself. To honor whomever shows up on the floor with whatever issues have arisen since last I met myself.

I will honor myself today. I will rise and move today. I will be alive and conscious.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Pump It Up

Today I just need to get my energy moving. I need to be proactive and ignore the voices in my head. I need to do what I know to be good for myself, whether I want to or not.

I cannot focus in on what I feel or don’t feel. I cannot let the deadened me win.

I need to act as if: as if I know who I am, as if I matter, as if life holds meaning, as if I am capable of loving and being loved.

I need to keep returning to this thought today: This is not a permanent state of being.

Just because I cannot access the joy right now does not mean I will never be able to feel it.

I will not deny what is going on for me right now, but I will not give in to it either.

I am capable of joy. If I close my eyes and focus on my heart, I can feel it. The love is still there. I am still there.

I will remind myself to close my eyes at every given possible moment today and tell myself I am.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Remember These Things

Remember to reach out to friends and family whenever I feel myself being pulled under depression’s tidal wave.

Remember that I am valuable.

I do not need others’ approval to have value.

Stop judging myself for what I feel.

Remember my value and be of service to those who suffer like me.

I am not alone.

I do have value and that’s why I’m dancing—to remind myself of it every day. To feel my body move. To challenge myself to acceptance. To see myself as I truly am, warts and all. To celebrate life. To feel good, if only for a few minutes.

I do not need to be anything the world wants me to be. All I have to do is be me and value that person.