one wanted to dance today. Not even me. My energy is absolutely zero; it might
have something to do with the four kittens bouncing on my head all night.
noticed the way I’ve been dealing with my depression this round has been by
eating a lot. My jeans are feeling tight and, come to think of it, that might
have something to do with my lack of energy, too.
been offering myself all kinds of excuses of why I’m eating whatever I want but
it all boils down to—it’ll make me feel
betterand I want to feel better.
would say I’m going on a diet, but that’s dangerous for me. The other way I deal
with my depression is by eating too little. Cutting out meals. Denying myself
to an extreme. With my history with disordered eating, I need to work on
developing a healthy relationship to food.
know I should cut out the sugary treats, but I hesitate to do it because they
bring me such comfort. Maybe I’ll have to just start by limiting the junk. But
can I do it? Even just talking about limiting brings up anxiety like, if I don’t
have food to turn to, what might I turn to instead?
mood seems to have balanced out this week. The deep despair I was feeling only
a week ago has lifted. This is what I always need to remind myself of when I’m
at my most depressed: it’s not a permanent state of being. I will feel better.
course, the flip side is that when I’m feeling better, in the back of my head I’m
wondering when it’s all going to come crashing down again.
like, my mind says, “Don’t get too comfortable; don’t enjoy this feeling. It’s
I suppose everything is temporary. Like the boys wanting to dance with me.
Yesterday seems to have been enough.
managed to convince two out of my three children to dance with me today. True,
a lot of the dance was spent trying to convince them to not pause yet.
no, no…don’t turn the music off! Wait until the end of the song!”
as I type these words, I had to go break up a Lego fight because, you know, we
have thousands of Legos and everyone wants the same pieces at the same time.
averted by breaking the tower in two and sharing it out.
I have Kidz Bop in the background and hey…they’re actually having fun together
at the moment. Knock on wood.
spoke too soon. No, wait. They handled that one on their own.
few more minutes bought for me.
I just remembered a moment of real humanity on Saturday: the boys had their
first ever soccer practice. Tommy went first with twenty other three-year-olds;
he lasted five minutes. Cole went the following hour and played the whole time.
At the end when we greeted him on the sidelines, Tommy walked up to Cole, put
his arm around his shoulder, patted and said, “I’m really proud of you.”
and I looked at each other like, what
about it now, we must say things like that to Tommy for him to know the right
context to do it in.
kids have Spring break this week, so I’ll only be able to write a minimum
amount this week as I try to balance giving them attention and going to work
and getting my class work done.
returned to my teenage years and danced to Falco’s “Rock Me Amadeus” today. This
was one of the songs I used to blast from our stereo after school and dance to
until I sweated out my frustrations and depression.