Monday, May 12, 2014

Don't Have a Heart Attack or Anything

Lots of stuff stirring in my mind. Maybe I question myself too much about my motives.

When I was talking to my husband about making silly Vine videos, I said that I want to make people laugh.

He said, innocently, “No, you want attention.”

I was all like—what? No! I mean, yes, I like it if people like my videos, just like I like it if people like my writing, but it’s not just for attention.

“If it was just for attention, I could just take out my tits!”

Yes, I said that. I know—hilarious.

The only attention I’d get for going topless now would be a police officer giving me a ticket for indecent exposure.

Bah, dum, dum…crash!


His comment got me a bit riled up. I mean, as a performer or writer, yes, of course, we want people to pay attention. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

But why do I judge myself then? Or why do I allow other people who don’t like, or get, what I do to bother me?

And what is my overall mission with art?

There I go again! Wanting to know my every motivation.

Can it just be enough to know that I want to perform and write?


  1. I think I'd rather know why he said that. Does N feel uncomfortable with your increasing desire to "expose" yourself? Maybe he's worried because the internet doesn't go away. His reaction seemed more like a way to warn you off. I could be wrong. I'm not altogether into Vine.

    Maybe having a more focused, long-term video project would be more satisfying. Something outward to express what your have going on inward (documentary or short-film?) I think you found that the memoir got you some attention and exposed you but not really, right? People went on accepting you as you were. Hmmm. It's interesting.

  2. Thanks, Elizabeth. Your comments give me a lot to think about...

  3. Maybe in the very beginning performers may do it just for some kind of simple version of "attention." But I think that once we develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world, our goals change in performance. I think much more now about what I want to say to other people than I do about myself. The simple desire for attention could never motivate any artistic-minded person for very long. The cost of exposing yourself so much is too high for that. But if you ever decide to expose some flesh to get attention, please let me know where you're appearing. Wouldn't want to miss it.

  4. Lol! Thanks, Mr. Faust!

  5. i had thus whole long comment but apprently messed up sending the gist if what i said is to do what makes you happy. i dont think its attention you seek,but you want people to see you than more than a mother and writer. enjoy your life or you will regret questioning everything you didint do

  6. Thanks, Ashley! I can't wait to see your hair!