Thursday, June 02, 2005

"A" is for ahhh

Okay, so motherhood is not what I expected.

I thought as a mom my depression would be gone. I thought I would be personally fulfilled.

I was wrong.

Nick suggested I try enjoying the anger I have—anger at having my life and freedom taken away. Express my hate loudly. Then maybe I’ll come to acceptance. Don’t deny the hating of motherhood. I hate the responsibility. I hate the mind-numbing tedium. I hate the not being able to have a conversation with the person I must spend my entire day with.

I hate being a mom. I hate having to take care of someone else instead of me. I hate picking up toys that I just picked up twenty minutes ago. I hate it all. I hate it. I hate it. But I’m afraid if I go back to work fulltime that I’ll hate that even more.

And I hate the word hate. I don’t want Genny to think I hate her because, obviously, I don’t. I love her to smithereens. I just hate this new life I’m living. I don’t even remember what I like anymore or who I am or was.

My friend Rebecca pointed out today that there are also many good moments and experiences I have with Genny. It’s good to be reminded of this. I know that it’s true. And I don’t know what I would do without all my wonderful momma friends that I’ve made here in Jackson Heights. They help keep me sane.

I am going to see a hypnotherapist for the second time tomorrow. I will hopefully be much happier when you read from me this time tomorrow.

I know I’ll make it through this wave of low feeling. I always do. And I have so much to be thankful for. My friend, Clover, and I used to go to this Interfaith church in the city, after the service we’d walk along 57th Street singing, “I am as God created me.” Then we’d end up in a diner for brunch where we’d go through the alphabet naming the things we were grateful for. We were developing “an attitude of gratitude”.

I am grateful for what beginning with the letter “a” tonight?

Hmm, aromatherapy. I think I’ll take a bath and sniff something flowery.

4 comments:

  1. Well, I had a lovely time at your wedding. Congratulations again. And happy birthday. The post-wedding blues are completely natural, which is why they invented honeymoons. Sorry you're feeling down, but always remember: "This too shall pass."

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  2. ...I don’t even remember what I like anymore or who I am or was...."

    Well, I remember a very different person that I met, what, 2 years ago? This one has accomplished so much more than I thought that one would be able to...
    At least to me, you are a WONDERFUL mother, a wonderful friend (to me and Mr. Terzi, besides all sorts of other folks I don't know) and obviously a wonderful wife. You arre SO different from that person, and I am proud of you.

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  3. Wow, Sheila, thanks for writing this.
    I'm not even close to being ready to be a parent. But I've never expressed the guilt I feel in not sharing in the wife's occasional urges to be one. This post of yours helps.
    PS- Something every newlywed should know,or at least I wish I did: Every marriage is different, but the first six months of our marriage-- along with the engagement-- were the hardest of my entire life. But then life not only got better, but became the more wonderful than I could ever have imagined... even with the knock-down-drag-out-fights.
    Lots of love!

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