Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Me

I am so completely mentally exhausted. Genevieve’s crying jags today bore holes through my eggshell brain. I feel like she crawled all over my soul.

What is a mom to do when she feels like she is losing her mind? There are friends and family, but they cannot take away my mental anguish. There are medications and healing techniques, but they do not always work.

This is what I describe as my depression. I can look at what I’m feeling and writing and say, “Gosh, Sheila. Sounds to me like you’re depressed. Why not do something to make yourself feel better?”

Unfortunately, when I’m in the depression’s clutches it is hard to make myself participate in any possibly beneficial activities.

Perhaps I need to wallow in my frustration? And why am I so bothered by being home with Genevieve? I even had a slight break today when I went to work. Why am I not handling being a mother better? For someone such as myself who has a perfection streak running through her veins, it’s hard to understand why I am not feeling like one of those mothers who love every minute of their motherhood experience.

I know some women must lie about it being so great, but I’m sure there are some who are totally serious; they love motherhood. And even though I know there is nothing wrong with me for feeling the way I do, I still find myself asking—what is wrong with me?

1 comment:

  1. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you.

    I felt a lot like you do up until a while ago. When my elder kid turned 4, and the younger was 2.5, things in a lot of ways eased up. I'll be honest though- some things got tougher (like having a *very* strong-willed 4 yr. old who can actually argue back).

    I can't say I love motherhood, even though I love my kids- there is a difference to me. I do look forward to a greater independance- even though I've had countless older mothers point their finger patronizingly and say "enjoy them while they're young"...blah blah blah.

    What keeps me sane is getting away from them. I have them with a sitter for a full day once a week. I'm also part of a babysitting co-op with a bunch of other mums. I don't know if you can afford a sitter or can form a co-op of any kind, but I can tell you it did me more good than any happy pill could have.

    ReplyDelete