Monday, June 06, 2005


Nick was saying last night how people probably think the exact opposite of what I think they think about me. My parents probably couldn’t be prouder of me now. I mean, I was a stripper. Look at me now. Married to a great guy with a job and I’m a mom. I’m finally living on the straight and narrow, or is it straight as an arrow?

Earlier today I walked along the choppy sidewalk, eyes glazed over. And it hit me. I am a zombie mommy. Would that be a zommy or mombie?

I am the living dead. A mommy who has lost herself. Sure, I have moments when I have me, but increasingly I find myself depressed, missing from life and unable to really enjoy my daughter.

If what everybody is saying to me is true, “Enjoy this age. It goes by so fast.” Why am I missing out on the joy?

Or is the reason people give this advice because they felt the same way I did when entrenched in the day-to-day of baby caring, but now, looking back, they wish they had savored it because it’s gone.

But then, what is there to savor? Nick enjoys watching her discover and learn, even when it’s through emptying out a jumbo size box of Band-Aids from Costco.

I have such a hard time letting chaos reign. I’ve spent my life trying to control chaos, so I find it difficult now to just let it happen and see it as education for the baby. I feel a need to put away all those Band-Aids right away. And when Genny grabs something and cruns away with it, like her doll’s plastic pink fork, I have to chase after her and grab the aforementioned stolen object and return it to it’s room of departure.

Why have I chosen this time of my life to get neurotic about cleanliness? I couldn’t wait until Genny goes to college? I think it has more to do with the letting go of how things were pre-baby. I may have to get used to the fact that life will never be the same. I’m going to be running around for the next eighteen years at least. There’s no slowing down for a while. Unless I get better at making the time.

Remember to make time for Mommy.


  1. 'Mombie' is a great word! Figure out some way to publish that, or trademark it or whatever.

  2. Didn't I just read about a wonderful practice of creating "an attitude of gratitude"? It seems to me that the way to Enjoy This Time is to look at how interesting each little aspect is.

    Screw improving things. It's just fun to notice how each thing fits in with each and every other little thing.

    Want to get rich quick? Count your blessings.


  3. I also like the word Mombie. And you are not alone. My friends Gretchen, Tonya, and cousin Betty will all tell you that babies rule your time and control the chaos around you - yes, you are in chaos! But it doesn't have to feel like bad chaos all the time.
    Don't be so hard on yourself. Why is it bad to be a stripper? Why is it bad to feel overwhelmed? Don't fall into the super mom trap. It's okay if your life slows down, grasshopper - life is a journey, not a destination.
    And if it really concerns you, perhaps we should all read brooke Sheilds' book about post-partum depression - which Tom Cruise thinks is a load of hooey. But what would he know? He's so giddy in love and a jackass and doesn't know a thing about giving birth - he's on my craplist anyway for how he treated Nicole.

  4. Hi, I just came across your blog while doing a search for mombie on technorati.

    I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are sleep deprived and a primary caregiver, then it is hard to enjoy all the little moments. I hope you find some time for yourself sometime soon.

    I also wanted to weigh in on the debate - a mommy zombie is definitely a mombie. I started referring to myself as a mombie when my son (now 3.5) starting sleep in 1.5h stretches at 5 months old. I even used to sing "Mombie" to the tune of the chorus of The Cranberries "Zombie" as my theme song.

    I'm blathering about life as a mombie at my site if you are interested in hearing someone else complain, drop by!

    I things improve for you soon.