Go With The Flow

Saturdays are dream days. I get to actually enjoy time spent with Genevieve because Nick is there to join in on the family unit. I love to watch Genny crawl into his lap, lifting her knees up to attain the height she needs to scale the mountainous Nick knees.

I also got some much appreciated alone time today, which I spent doing yoga with Julie. Later on in the day, while Genny was napping, there was some Momma and Dadda lovin’ time and then even some nappin’ time for Momma.

We then swung over to Michael’s craft store to return the pew bows that we didn’t need because the wedding in the chapel before ours had left theirs up and they were quite lovely. In exchange, we got our wedding thank-you cards (and a venti Starbucks Mint Chip Frappucino since it was right next door).

Genny passed another milestone today—she’s a forward-facer now. It’s so convenient to be able to simply turn around while we’re driving and check on her. Ah, the wonders of modern-day car seats.

Speaking of seats, we purchased Genny’s first potty-seat at Toys ‘R Us. She is a bit young, but it’s never to soon to start introducing a baby to a more convenient (well, for Mommy anyway) place to poo and pee.

I was just thinking how my blog is an interesting testimonial to the up and down swings of my depression. I bet I could go back and make a chart documenting my depression level on a day-to-day basis. That might be kind of neat, and perhaps a bit neurotic. I could just see Nick creating a flow chart to go along with the tracking of our budget. Hmm, I wonder if there would be any correlation between our cash flow and my mood flow.

Kisses

Genny learned to kiss today. It’s more of a lip smack than a kiss, but we’ll count it just the same. She also planted a big wet open mouth all over my chin a couple of times; I think those were kisses, too.

I had my second hypnotherapist visit today, which went very well. He didn’t actually hypnotize me—we just talked. It was very motivational and I left on a buzz and ready to take on some new writing projects. Now, will I be able to keep the forward thrust moving?

The most important point I must remember when it comes to dealing with my hatred of motherhood is that I am still doing quite a fine job of it. I mean—I am a perfectionist after all. Even though I am not thrilled with the day-to-day life I am living right now, I still love Genny. And it’s not like I have ever really loved normal day-to-day life, no matter what I was involved in.

That thought is just making me realize that perhaps I have never been truly happy as I suppose most normal people experience happiness. Is it that I have a mixed-up notion about what true happiness is? Or has depression always caused me to blame the external circumstances of my life for the sadness I feel? Maybe it doesn’t matter what is going on in my life—maybe I will always hate whatever I am doing.

Hmm…if I was just to assume that this is true, that it is not so much what I am doing in my life that I hate, but rather just this snarky depression making me think I hate whatever I’m doing, would that free me in any way to enjoy my life more? Maybe I can find a way to sidestep my depression by laughing when I feel hatred of everyday life knowing that I don’t really hate life, my depression only wants me to think that. But what does my depression gain from occupying me?

How interesting that I talk about my depression as though it is a thing of and to itself, like it’s not an illness or a feeling, but rather an unwelcome intruder creeping through my brain, trying to infiltrate my soul—well, no, I think the infiltration has already happened. I just have to find a way to force out the invader, so that I can enjoy watching my daughter grow up.

I imagine my whole life has been about trying to find ways to defeat the enemy. As an actress, I was allowed to be somebody else and escape my own darkness on a regular basis. As an exotic dancer, I got to pretend that I was a happy-go-lucky gal who just wanted to prance around naked. As a writer and a yogini, I get to delve into the meaning of the pit within me and try to find ways to restructure and deal with the darkness.

For Genevieve, I’d really like to banish depression once and for all, but I don’t want to put too much pressure upon myself and then only get more depressed because I don’t succeed.

And I come to the end of another day in my life. I close my eyes and see Genny’s drool-dripped chin telescoping toward me and I feel a wet pucker on my nose and I smile and I feel good.

"A" is for ahhh

Okay, so motherhood is not what I expected.

I thought as a mom my depression would be gone. I thought I would be personally fulfilled.

I was wrong.

Nick suggested I try enjoying the anger I have—anger at having my life and freedom taken away. Express my hate loudly. Then maybe I’ll come to acceptance. Don’t deny the hating of motherhood. I hate the responsibility. I hate the mind-numbing tedium. I hate the not being able to have a conversation with the person I must spend my entire day with.

I hate being a mom. I hate having to take care of someone else instead of me. I hate picking up toys that I just picked up twenty minutes ago. I hate it all. I hate it. I hate it. But I’m afraid if I go back to work fulltime that I’ll hate that even more.

And I hate the word hate. I don’t want Genny to think I hate her because, obviously, I don’t. I love her to smithereens. I just hate this new life I’m living. I don’t even remember what I like anymore or who I am or was.

My friend Rebecca pointed out today that there are also many good moments and experiences I have with Genny. It’s good to be reminded of this. I know that it’s true. And I don’t know what I would do without all my wonderful momma friends that I’ve made here in Jackson Heights. They help keep me sane.

I am going to see a hypnotherapist for the second time tomorrow. I will hopefully be much happier when you read from me this time tomorrow.

I know I’ll make it through this wave of low feeling. I always do. And I have so much to be thankful for. My friend, Clover, and I used to go to this Interfaith church in the city, after the service we’d walk along 57th Street singing, “I am as God created me.” Then we’d end up in a diner for brunch where we’d go through the alphabet naming the things we were grateful for. We were developing “an attitude of gratitude”.

I am grateful for what beginning with the letter “a” tonight?

Hmm, aromatherapy. I think I’ll take a bath and sniff something flowery.

Another Day

Today was one of those days during which I questioned why I ever wanted to be a mom. I didn’t even spend the whole day with Genevieve; she was at the babysitter’s for four hours while I went into the city for my advising appointment for the coming semester.

I am disappointed that I am not enjoying motherhood more. I don’t know why I didn’t realize how much work there would be. Honestly, I don’t remember what I thought being a mom would be all about. The main disappointment that I can plop my finger upon is that I don’t feel more satisfaction at the end of the day. I thought I would feel fulfilled on all levels as a mom, but unfortunately, I am feeling the exact opposite.

Perhaps I thought that I would feel complete and happy once I had another life dependent upon me, but that completion hasn’t happened for me yet. I think also that I am unconsciously always thinking that the next big thing is going to erase my depression permanently. Of course, I know that life doesn’t work that way.

I am probably feeling the post-wedding blues, too. Sunday was so perfect and love-filled; how could I not feel slightly let down upon returning to everyday hectic life with Genny?

A sampling of our time spent together today: Genevieve pulled every single book off her shelf creating a jumbled pile; she emptied out an entire box of panty liners crumpling a number of them into unusable crinkled garbage; she slopped baby food on the wall and threw melba toast crumbs way under the kitchen table; she threw Baby Doll Two from the stroller at least a dozen times, but would scream if I didn’t hand her back after being rescued from the filthy sidewalk.

Now, for all of you wanna-be moms out there, I know you are probably thinking to yourself, “Oh, I think that all sounds so cute, and besides, my baby won’t throw things.” Well, just for the record, you‘ve now been warned, so please don’t come crying back to me, “Why didn’t somebody tell me what it was really like?”

Number Two

Three days in a row of Genny waking up at 5:30 am has caught up to me. A dizzying exhaustion is rampaging through my head, stomach and soul. I need a break before I crack in half. Nick and I really need a vacation.

To make matters worse, Genny’s Baby Doll was doll-napped from the playground. She had been propped up against a rail of the old jungle gym, but when it was time to go, Baby Doll was no more. There had been lots of toddlers darting in and out during my visit and I guess I just lost track of Doll.

We left the playground empty-handed. Back at home, Genny pulled all the sheets, the blanket and even the mattress from Baby Doll’s cradle and then sipped at the little toy bottle. After two hours of on and off screaming and crying I gave up on her taking an afternoon nap, which I had been looking very forward to.

We strolled to Kaybee Toys instead where we dawdled in the doll aisle. I’m happy to say that we found a Baby Doll replacement—I give you, Baby Doll Two. I found myself repeatedly saying to Genny, “We’re not trying to replace Baby Doll, we’re just…replacing her.”

This didn’t make much sense then, or now. I think though that the switch will be accepted even though Baby Doll Two is slightly different than the original. The new doll is not all hard plastic; she has a soft and squeezy torso, but the same bristle blink eyelashes that Genny loves to touch.

Genny is sleeping now and that’s probably what I should be doing. I’m fighting off a clinking depressed feeling in my chest. The wedding euphoria was too short-lived. I wish we could celebrate a few days without us having to rush back to work, but that is not the way the world works. We must work hard for our money.

Argh, I’m feeling squishy and sentimental and sad and happy all at once. I think Gen just really burned me out with all the screaming today.

I’m thinking of putting a harness on Baby Doll Two tomorrow.

The Day After

We ended up going on a tourist adventure with Nick’s Aunt Nina and the rest of the family. First stop was Starbuck’s, where I realized I’d forgotten my fabulous new Starbuck’s gift card (thanks Julie!), and then we hit the subway down to the ferry. We chugged over to the Statue of Liberty and then on to Ellis Island.

Genny liked the breeze on the boat flying through her wispy hair, but her lashes were flashing like mad. She wore sun block for the first time. Is that a milestone? And I wore sun block for the millionth time and still got sunburned shoulders.

I tried using up some of the disposable cameras left over from the wedding. It’s a very freeing feeling to snap away with no reservations on how much film you’re using. Some of my mad-hatter shots today included: Nick holding Genny up in front of Lady Liberty, the aforementioned breeze rustling through Genny’s hair and assorted subway family shots.

Genny finally knocked out for a nap on the subway ride back uptown. She slept straight through dinner at the Heartland Brewery restaurant and then suddenly woke up in a crying frenzy. We probably overdid it for her these last three days of nonstop fun.

Since we aren’t going on a honeymoon until October, we are back to normal life. No week off where we can just lounge out and be lost in our wedded bliss. Nick is back to work tomorrow and diapers wait for no wedded anything. Our apartment is a total disaster area. I have a zillion chores and work type things to do. And, yes, I am still exhausted.

And, yes, the wedding was phenomenally perfect. Is it odd that like absolutely nothing went wrong?

Wedding

Today was a whirling swish of love and I am now a Mrs. An incredible day. Happy. Joy. Love.

I am also utterly exhausted.