An Open Letter to Danica Dillon, the stripper and porn star who had sex with Josh Duggar:

I will admit I had mixed feelings when I saw your story splashed all over the news. Everywhere I turned, there was some variation of the headline: Josh Duggar Cheated With Me!”: Woman Tells All About Their Two Sexual Encounters.

At once, I understood and felt compassion toward you, but I also felt revulsion and anger.

But I know you are only reflecting back to me something I recognize in myself.

I was once a sex worker.

Once upon a time…I was stripper and a nude model. I made my money off of men and their desires.

And I was in utter denial for a lot of my time in the business.

I did dangerous things.

And while many assume that I had an amazing amount of courage to stand onstage naked and an extremely high level of self-esteem and confidence, it was quite the opposite.

When I read that you had sex for money with Josh Duggar and were now sharing the details, I did not blame you for sharing your experience, for wanting to cash in on your story. I applaud you for coming forward. I applaud you for telling your story.

I don’t even care if it was all done purely for profit and not to raise the consciousness of the problems women in the industry face, or if you are only hoping for your fifteen minutes of fame.

None of that matters after I read the small details that broke my heart and that I hope can save some other women from walking down your path—my path.

You said, “He was manhandling me, basically tossing me around like I was a rag doll. It was very traumatic. I’ve had rough sex before, but this was terrifying.”

It was that word that I fixated on.

Terrifying.

And then after this terrifying experience, he shorted you $500 of the agreed upon price of $1,500.

And then you met him again. And you have sex with him again. With a man whom with you had had an experience that was terrifying. With a man that could not be trusted.

If the story is true (you did pass a polygraph test), I feel so bad for you.

Again, this is because I recognize myself and the times I did things I felt I had no choice in, the times I put myself in danger because I thought this was the only way I could make money, the times I felt terrified, but did the things anyway.

And I was not even as hardcore as you; I was not a porn star or a prostitute. I was simply a stripper and nude model.

When I think of you walking back into a room with a man who terrified you, who didn’t even pay you what he said he would, I am reminded of my own vulnerability, my own stupidity, my own depression, my own lack of value.

I feel so sad for you, me and all women who have walked into terrifying experiences because we did not know our own value, because we thought we could not ask or expect more, because it felt like our only choice, because we loathed ourselves that much, because we were that scared that we were inconsequential in every other way, because we thought we were only valued for our bodies and our sexiness, because we did not know or feel our inherent value as human beings.

I was there, in similar ways, and while maybe no one else is expressing it, while everyone else is focusing on you being the bad one and while you will say you are empowered by what you do, I just want to say, you are valuable.

You are valuable and valued. I sit here in my office, miles away from you now in so many ways, but I know this and I want you and every young woman thinking fame and fortune and value is to be found in our sexiness to hear it—I see you. I really see you. And I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.

There are other choices that you can make.

You do not have to, nor should you (or any woman), ever have to be terrified again.

Anderson Cooper and CT Style

Lot of rain here in the Northeast, but I'm keeping busy nonetheless!

Part II of an interview with me is up today on Elena Hartwell's Arc of a Writer blog. We discuss the process of memoir writing and how to remember all those pesky details for your writing.

I had a great time at Anderson Cooper's daytime talk show. The episode aired yesterday. I talked about Natalie Oliveros's story, a porn actress and mother, who is trying to rewrite her future as a wine purveyor.

The question was: Can a  "porn-mom" be a good mother? And you know what my answer is already.

I see no reason why a woman's occupation should determine anything having to do with being a mother. We can all be good mothers and have "other" selves that we don't share with our young children.

You can check out my clip (as recorded on my cell phone; sorry!) here.

And be sure to check out my interview tomorrow with CT Style on WTNH channel 8 in New Haven, CT, at 12:30 PM.

Can a Porn Star Be a Good Mom?

20/20’s theme Friday was “True Confessions,” which wouldn’t be complete without an adult entertainer of some sort.

ABC News introduces us to Natalie Oliveros, mom to 10-year-old Luchino, who is a porn star know as Savanna Samson.

"My life means nothing without, without him," Oliveros said. "Everything that I've done in my life, all the choices I've made, will one day benefit him instead of being a shameful thing for him."

We also have “Octomom” Nadya Suleman in the news this week saying that she might consider doing porn in order to provide for her children: Octomom Nadya Suleman Reevaluates Porn.

So the question everyone’s discussing: Can an adult entertainer be a good mother?

Well, let’s take a look at what really matters—is the mother providing for her family, raising her children to be good people, and being true to herself?

If a mother can say yes to all these questions, then I don’t see what the problem is. Being an adult entertainer is a legal job. Yes, it’s a job that requires a level of openness with one’s sexuality that not all people have, but if the woman is not harming others, why should it matter?

"I'm just an entertainer, and this is how I choose to entertain," Oliveros said. "And, morally speaking, that's what's confusing about me, is that I do have morals. And yet, it's contradictory, I guess, by the industry I'm in."

We all have different morals and those morals even change over time. But that’s just it—they are our morals, no one else’s to decide for us.

As adults, we all have “secrets” we don’t come right out and share with our children when they are too young to understand. And if we’re parents, we’ve all pretty much probably had sex at some point in our lives. Sex and children kind of go hand-in-hand.

So to jump to the conclusion that just because someone has sex for money on film that they can’t be a good parent just doesn’t add up. To attach our own “values” surrounding sexuality and what it should look like is unfair.

We all make choices and yes, there may be repercussions for adult entertainers in the form of more explaining that needs to be done for our children. But in the long run, sexuality is a complicated issue no matter whether we are or have been strippers or porn stars or are just moms who have more traditional careers.

Gypsy Rose Lee: A Burlesque Performer and a Mom

What a wonderful reminder by Amanda Crum that a woman can have it all.

In “Gypsy Rose Lee: Portrait Of A Burlesque Mom: Icon proved women can do it all” in WebProNews, Crum highlights Gypsy Rose Lee in a new and enlightening way.

Besides being a burlesque entertainer, Lee was a mother, even traveling with her son while she performed across the country.

“Burlesque performers are often still criticized and misconstrued for what they do, sadly, especially if they have children. Lee, who died of lung cancer in 1970, is a strong reminder to everyone that women can be free with their sexuality and still be witty, intelligent, wonderful mothers.”

What a needed reminder for us all today as former porn stars are being fired from teaching jobs because of their pasts.

Perhaps some critics may say that there is an overall difference between burlesque performers of yore and modern day porn stars and strippers, but I disagree.

As with anything, there is something to be said for not judging a book by its cover. To simply group all people of one occupation into one category is extremely short-sighted.

And for those who would say there is a wrong message being sent by a mother who has in the past (or even present) performed in some sexually-free way, I would simply question why adults cannot have separate lives outside their children.

If a parent is living their life with integrity and teaching by example what it is to be a good and loving person then why should it matter what they do or did for a living?

We are sexual beings; remember, that’s how we came to have children in the first place.

Teacher/Former Porn Actress Fired

Here we go again.

The latest teacher to be fired for having a past—Stacie Halas.

According to the Huffington Post, “A Southern California science teacher was fired Wednesday night for performing in a pornographic video, school district officials said.”

Halas had performed as a porn actress before becoming a teacher, so I find it difficult o understand legally how this can impact her career as a teacher now.

The problem apparently stems from the fact that some students became aware of a video available online. 

Perhaps the problem lies with the students and the parents who were not more aware of what their children were doing on the Internet.

It seems we slide into dangerous territory when we begin deciding that a woman’s past occupation should determine her present situation. All accounts are that she was a good teacher.

Just because women were once employed in the adult entertainment business doesn’t mean they can’t go on to pursue other work.

You’d think that people would be happy to see that porn actresses and strippers can make something of themselves with their clothes on.

There should be no disgrace in our pasts.

And there should be no discrimination just because some of that past “work” can be found on the Internet.

Ex-Porn Star Can Read!

I’m not surprised that an ex-porn star, Sasha Grey, reading to children in a public school is being reacted to negatively.

What I am surprised about is that no one has shown any surprise that an ex-porn star can actually read! I mean, come on, anyone involved in the adult business must be illiterate, too, right?

The hypocrisy that this news bite shines light on seems to go completely unnoticed.

Why does it matter what this woman used to do for a living? She was invited because she’s a mainstream actress now. Why can’t we let go of people’s pasts?

And why is it such a big deal that she used to have sex on film? If you hadn’t noticed, people are having sex all over the world! Guess what? It’s what creates babies and you know, perpetuates the species and all.

How can we be so judgmental about how a person chooses to have sex when it isn’t harming anyone else?

The woman came and read to students in a classroom. She did not promote her former sex tapes. She did not have sex with the children.

She read books.

Get over it already.