If You Are a Stripper, Then You Must Also Be...

I remember being so frustrated as a young woman who stripped and posed nude because of what people assumed about me.

Since I was a stripper, I must also be a whore. I must also be a slut. I must also want to be talked to like an object.

This was probably the most infuriating aspect of my adult entertainment experience. I didn’t know how to put into words what I felt.

The actress and feminist Caitlin Stasey says it so well in Jezebel’s When a Magazine Only Wants You If You're Willing to Pose Nude.

But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Nudity in the abstract is not the issue, and my body is not the issue either. What is the issue is the way that many men like Ben Naparstek-your-head-in-the-oven believe they have an inherent right to both because of my recent projects and my candor. It’s the same logic we apply to a woman’s sexuality. Just because she’s fucked one guy she must be available to all of them, right? Just because she’s wearing a short skirt, just because her shirt is sheer, just because she is a woman, she must be available to me.

Men were surprised when I didn’t want to be paid to have sex.

Men were pissed when I didn’t show them everything they wanted.

Men were enraged when I told them the truth.

Why was I making trouble? Why was I fucking with their view of women? Why was I insisting on being a person with my own ideas and feelings?

The sad thing was that often I listened to what they said. It’s not that I didn’t know I could say differently and stand up for myself, but that I was not properly equipped to do it.

I was young. I was scared.  I was vulnerable.

Today I am still trying to impress completely upon myself that I have agency and that I make the decisions about my body and it doesn’t matter what others think.

I have a right to be who I am just as I am. Clothed or naked.

I do not need to explain my choices to anyone if I don’t want to.

It’s been a long journey to get to where I am today and I am grateful for who I have become even as I acknowledge I still have a long way to go to truly understand and forgive myself.

The Peace of the Theatre: Reentering the World, But Leaving the Drama Behind

They say that it’s not safe for a recovering alcoholic to return to the same friends and hangouts they used to have.

I took that message to heart when I found myself overwhelmed by bad habits, an unhealthy body image and addictions when I quit stripping almost two decades ago.

It wasn’t alcohol or drugs that ruled my world, rather sexual addictions and a need for drama.

I hung up my stilettos and unfortunately, my acting shoes, too, because I could not really separate one stage from another. I left behind my greatest dreams to find a peace of mind I yearned for more than a successful acting career.

There was plenty to fill the gap: I returned to school and shifted my focus from my external self to everything I could accomplish solely with the powers of my mind.

I found new happiness and success: valedictorian of my college, an MFA in Creative Writing, a yoga teacher certification (although, granted, this involved my body, too), a published book, a college teaching career, a husband, a family.

And, finally: Peace.

Sure, the acting bug would pop its shiny head up every now and then and the question would rise: What if?

It wasn’t until my work friend mentioned auditions at a theatre she was involved in that I actually paused and thought: Maybe I should; Maybe I will…

I did. I auditioned. For the first time in fifteen years, and it felt good.

Picture of Sheila Hageman as Gwen Landis

I felt like I was back in my element. Back amongst people who understood my love to make believe and my search for understanding.

Playing Gwen Landis in Lanford Wilson’s “Fifth of July” at the Town Players of Newtown has brought back the joy, the commitment, and interestingly—the peace without the drama of my younger self.

The peace that I find onstage when I release myself to my character and let the rest of the world stop.

This is why I acted. I had forgotten the transportation of self I experience—that same expression of a deeper self I experience when I write, when I teach, when I practice yoga, when I love my family.

I see the cross-connection—the exuberance of experience, of entering a deeply felt sense of life and awe of being.

I open myself to this and allow myself to be attentive to my next steps upon this journey.

A Girl's Need to Feel: Purposeful, Accomplished and Special

I was a huge fan of Little House on the Prairie when I was a girl; I read all the books by Laura Ingalls Wilder and then watched and rewatched the television series.

Another one of the series’ star came out with a memoir, MSNBC reports: Former child star reveals mom’s cruelty in memoir: "Little House on the Prairie" actress’ success fueled by pride, pressure from hermother.

Melissa Francis played Cassandra Cooper Ingalls on the hit television series. In an excerpt from her book, Diary of a Stage Mother's Daughter: A Memoir, she talks about her childhood and her relationship with her mother.

“The day I won that part may have been the highlight of Mom’s life. Our two years on Little House on the Prairie were without question her happiest. There was no reason for me to talk back, or for her to take a scissor to my favorite shirt in front of me in response. I cried on cue, the adoration on the set enveloped me. Rebukes from Mom were short-lived, lest I show up for work uncooperative. But in truth, we were both so happy there was nothing to struggle over. She woke me at 5 am to make an early call and we worked well into the evening, but I loved the sense of purpose an acting job gave me, as well as the sense of accomplishment, and, of course, feeling so very special.”

What strikes me is how much what she says in the final line resonates with what I have written about and how I have described my experience in my teens: but I loved the sense of purpose an acting job gave me, as well as the sense of accomplishment, and, of course, feeling so very special.

Reading this in someone else’s words just makes me realize how important those needs are for some girls. And I’m wondering what we can learn from this description of young womanhood.

How do we give our girls ways to meet those needs, but in healthy ways?

How can we help our daughters to feel purposeful, accomplished and special through age-appropriate and beneficial rituals or activities?

I am not knocking acting for young girls; I think there are many good aspects of it. But I want to find ways for my daughter to feel all these empowering feelings without having to “perform.”

Living with Depression

Image of Sheila Hageman

Depression can be a very serious illness, which affects so many people in different ways.

I'm so relieved when I see depression being spoken about more openly in the news. The more we learn about depression and open the conversation to everyone, the more research and help will become available.

Here is my ireport for CNN on depression and how to live with depression we need to stop fighting it...

Read the story here...