Female Writers Needed

It's all about stripping down and revealing truth.

Every day we see more people feeling courageous enough to step out of the shadows and explore their own truths for others to witness.

Actress Liv Tyler spoke out about how the great roles have dried up now that she is 38.

When you have well-known actors revealing the difficulty, imagine how hard it is for the unknowns in their thirties and forties.

The answer?

More female writers creating scripts with middle-aged women protagonists.

Life doesn't stop for women at 30, 40 or 50.

Yes, we may stop living just as arm candy for men. Yes, we may be living our own stories with ourselves as the star. Yes, we may no longer be the ingenue.

But that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Ode to Margaret Cho

I’ve always liked comedian Margaret Cho. I saw her perform in Fairfield, CT, a few years ago. After reading the interview by Danielle Bacher, Margaret Cho Gets Deep About Past Sexual Abuse: 'All I Have Is Ownership of My Own Suffering,’ for Billboard, I like her even more.

Jessica Chou from Billboard

There is such an honesty in her art and performance. She is someone who it seems is truly being real and being herself. She has found a way to express herself through different media—comedy, song and prose—as she needs them.

I see her as a role model: she says what she thinks and feels and experiences without a filter and then finds ways to express and heal through her art.

This piece is inspired by hearing Cho talk about her childhood abuse. She helps me feel like I don’t have to censor myself so much. She makes me feel empowered to express what’s real.

Rope

The rope he used to tie

my thin white arms

behind my back.

He leads me into small cold bedroom,

pushes me down onto dirty sheets—

ones his mother gave him with little yellow flowers.

It’s dark except for slants of light

crossing in from living room.

I’m on my stomach,

choking on flying feather balls.

Tears are soaking the pillow.

He ties my ankles together;   

it hurts, it cuts into my skin.

He opens the left side door of his closet

takes out his brown leather belt

it was hanging there

he’s making sniffling sounds

I can smell his Marlboro

I am crying and I am saying

do it do it do it whatever it takes

whip me whip me

the words pathetic, clichéd,

but that is what I said

he is he is he is he is he is he is whipping me  

honestly and it makes this slapping sound

this cutting feeling on my back

on my buttocks

I didn’t know he’d do it

so hard and he keeps it on going

now I’m saying      

please stop I love you oh god oh please oh stop  you’re high you don’t know when to stop

then just like that I hear the belt’s buckle

clink on the tile floor and he walks

out of the room and I smell his cigarette

smoke again.  I peer back over my shoulder

but it’s too dark to see the welts

then there he is his face

pink red and his blonde hair spiky

he stares at me with cold marble eyes

takes his belt off, pants off

I’m crying and he comes

over to me and fucks

me from behind

while I’m crying lying there

This is what rape feels like.  

An Open Letter to Danica Dillon, the stripper and porn star who had sex with Josh Duggar:

I will admit I had mixed feelings when I saw your story splashed all over the news. Everywhere I turned, there was some variation of the headline: Josh Duggar Cheated With Me!”: Woman Tells All About Their Two Sexual Encounters.

At once, I understood and felt compassion toward you, but I also felt revulsion and anger.

But I know you are only reflecting back to me something I recognize in myself.

I was once a sex worker.

Once upon a time…I was stripper and a nude model. I made my money off of men and their desires.

And I was in utter denial for a lot of my time in the business.

I did dangerous things.

And while many assume that I had an amazing amount of courage to stand onstage naked and an extremely high level of self-esteem and confidence, it was quite the opposite.

When I read that you had sex for money with Josh Duggar and were now sharing the details, I did not blame you for sharing your experience, for wanting to cash in on your story. I applaud you for coming forward. I applaud you for telling your story.

I don’t even care if it was all done purely for profit and not to raise the consciousness of the problems women in the industry face, or if you are only hoping for your fifteen minutes of fame.

None of that matters after I read the small details that broke my heart and that I hope can save some other women from walking down your path—my path.

You said, “He was manhandling me, basically tossing me around like I was a rag doll. It was very traumatic. I’ve had rough sex before, but this was terrifying.”

It was that word that I fixated on.

Terrifying.

And then after this terrifying experience, he shorted you $500 of the agreed upon price of $1,500.

And then you met him again. And you have sex with him again. With a man whom with you had had an experience that was terrifying. With a man that could not be trusted.

If the story is true (you did pass a polygraph test), I feel so bad for you.

Again, this is because I recognize myself and the times I did things I felt I had no choice in, the times I put myself in danger because I thought this was the only way I could make money, the times I felt terrified, but did the things anyway.

And I was not even as hardcore as you; I was not a porn star or a prostitute. I was simply a stripper and nude model.

When I think of you walking back into a room with a man who terrified you, who didn’t even pay you what he said he would, I am reminded of my own vulnerability, my own stupidity, my own depression, my own lack of value.

I feel so sad for you, me and all women who have walked into terrifying experiences because we did not know our own value, because we thought we could not ask or expect more, because it felt like our only choice, because we loathed ourselves that much, because we were that scared that we were inconsequential in every other way, because we thought we were only valued for our bodies and our sexiness, because we did not know or feel our inherent value as human beings.

I was there, in similar ways, and while maybe no one else is expressing it, while everyone else is focusing on you being the bad one and while you will say you are empowered by what you do, I just want to say, you are valuable.

You are valuable and valued. I sit here in my office, miles away from you now in so many ways, but I know this and I want you and every young woman thinking fame and fortune and value is to be found in our sexiness to hear it—I see you. I really see you. And I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.

There are other choices that you can make.

You do not have to, nor should you (or any woman), ever have to be terrified again.

What Does a Feminist Look Like?

Yesterday was all about kids rocking gender-neutral clothes, so today I thought I’d give a shout out to a fashion company that features shirts with messages that are anti-everything that sucks, FCKH8.

The company has a new anti-sexism video that promotes their “This is what a feminist looks like” tee shirt.

And while they do use the “Real Woman” message in the video, which some women complain about, they are not saying that a real woman can’t be a thin model either, they are saying a real woman is just whatever she is!

FCKH8 has gotten some bad press recently with an accusation that sometimes their business practices are not respectful to some of the very people they claim to support. Also, some people find it offensive the way the company is making profits over serious issues.

I can understand both sides of the issue. It’s true that the tee shirts are great little billboards that spread positive messages, but it’s also true that it’s a for-profit company.

Do you have a problem with a business making profits off of promoting important messages about controversial subjects?

Donald Trump Gets Away With More Female Bashing

Just a few days ago, I was pointing out how I am so good at seeing both sides of an issue. I was explaining how people get so heated up by an issue.

Now here I am today getting all riled up about a news story.

  

I want to say, How can we seriously be entertaining this dude as a presidential candidate?

I want to say, Oh my God, why is there any tolerance for what this guy is shoveling out?

I want to say, What the bleeping bleep?

But the fact that I am not surprised that he is still being taken seriously shows a lot about the state of women in our country.

If a female candidate were to say the sort of bs stuff Trump is spouting about him—there would be an uproar.

But Trump can seriously send out tweets like this and not cause a national uproar:

@mstanish53: @realDonaldTrump @megynkelly The bimbo back in town . I hope not for long

@bigpaulfla: @realDonaldTrump She has come back looking like Nancy Grace

If one of my English 101 students wrote something like this argument in a paper, they would get an “F” for an ad hominem attack.

How is this man getting away with this misogynistic attitude?

Again, I catch myself, this is the state of our Union…

Make the Sandwich or Don't! We Know What She Was Saying...

I love reading news online. I really do.

It’s so much fun to see how out-of-proportion people can blow stories.

I’d say a talent I have is being able to really see both sides of a story. It’s so easy to spin some stupid comment someone makes on television into either a) a feminist statement or b) a call for a hearty “Get-over-yourselves-people!” argument.

Case in point: according to Raw Story, “Fox News host and former reality TV star Rachel Campos-Duffy asserted on Tuesday that conservatives had happier and longer marriages because liberal women refused to make sandwiches for their husbands.”

First of all, anybody who has to be introduced by “Fox News host and former reality TV star,” we know what we’re getting into by continuing to read.

*Small aside: Why and how can everybody who was ever on a reality TV show be called a reality TV star? I have no idea who this Campos-Duffy person is. Can we just say reality TV actress? Just being on a reality TV show does not make one a star…

Anyway, so Campos-Duffy made this statement about how if women would just, you know, get up and make a sandwich for their husband after sex that more marriages would not end in divorce.

OK! Cue the Oh my gawd, I cannot believe she just said that! What does she want?! Women in the kitchen?! Women subservient?!

But do not forget the Oh, please, she just means be nice to your husband! She’s not saying that the men shouldn’t do nice things for their wives either! She’s just saying take care of each other and make those little things matter!

OK, so there you have it.

Two ways to “read” the news. And now, everybody can bicker back and forth in the comments section of all the websites reporting the story from one of these perspectives.

Isn’t online news fun?

Target's Trophy Shirt is Not the Problem

Have you heard about the Target shirt that says “Trophy” in bold white letters across a black tee?

It’s causing a controversy because, you know, women aren’t trophies.

Oh, you knew that already?

So it’s supposed to be a “fun wink” according to Target’s official statement on the issue.

It is never our intention to offend anyone and we always appreciate receiving feedback from our guests. The shirt you’re describing is part of a collection of engagement and wedding shirts that are available in our women’s and plus size departments. The collection also included shirts that say ‘Team Bride,’ ‘Mrs.’ and ‘Bride.’ These shirts are intended as a fun wink and we have received an overwhelmingly positive response from our guests.

My head just kind of aches with the attention this shirt is getting (and yes, I see the irony as I am talking about it now, too).

I mean, I would never wear the shirt because I think it’s stupid. I think a shirt that says “Bride” or “Mrs.” is stupid though too.

There’s even a Change.org petition started over the shirt. 

Personally, I don’t see much use of putting so much energy into fighting a stupid novelty tee-shirt.

Does it promote rape culture? Does it demean women?

Or should everyone just chill out with the politically correct nonsense?

I mean, why are there are no petitions to ban Hooters restaurants? Or the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition?

Those are things that are just as much out there in young girls’ view.

It is not the gag tee-shirt that is the problem, it is the “real,” non-joke items that are marketed and accepted as normal.

Team USA wins Women’s World Cup, but Loses in their Paychecks

Interesting factoid floating around on the Internet today is how much less female soccer players earn than their male counterparts.

In “Winning Women's Soccer Team Paid 40 Times Less Than Men Who Lose,” Jezebel reports:

…the National Women’s Soccer League salaries range from $6,000 to $30,000 and teams often have a salary cap of $200,000. The Men’s League Soccer league salary cap clocked in at $3.1 million last year, and the total payout for the women’s World Cup will be just $15 million compared to the men’s $576 million sum. 

The knowledge of gender pay inequality is obviously nothing new in any field, but with the victory of the women’s soccer team in the Women’s World Cup, it’s brought to the forefront again.

How is this wage gap allowed to still exist?

It seems fitting that the only area women consistently earn more money than men is in the modeling business.

One commenter on the Daily Mail was happy enough to explain the difference:

Easy...demand. That is the same reason WNBA players make a fraction of what NBA players do. I'd rather look at women in skimpy outfits and watch men play basketball instead of the other way around.

I guess that explains it.

Here is a Man and Look at His Hot Wife!

Daily Mail had such an egregious article title of how women are relegated to only being important for how they look that I had to share: 'Most comedy talent in one place!' Jerry Seinfeld beams at SNL's 40th anniversary as wife Jessica, 43, shows off toned figure.

Jerry gets to “beam” and be quoted while Jessica gets to tag along to show off her body, as if that is the only reason she exists, to be a pretty piece of arm candy for her husband.

She doesn’t even get to beam in adulation of her comic husband.

Oh! But don’t worry, while Jessica doesn’t get to say anything, at least her purse does!

“Her gold purse made a statement with the word 'Saturday' emblazoned across the front.”

Thank goodness she had her purse, or she might not have even known where she was or what day it was, huh?

And it’s not like Jerry doesn’t appreciate what he owns, as the writer sees it: “Still, the 60-year-old comedian appeared to be keen on showcasing something else - his 43-year-old wife's enviable figure.”

Oh yeah, uh-huh. I can tell that’s what Jerry is doing there.

Look at what Mail Online does next—Jerry must be happy, so that calls for a metaphor—you now, fancy writing: “The Seinfeld actor looked like the cat that got the cream as he wrapped his arm around the fit blonde.”

Jerry is a cat and his wife becomes an inanimate object.

But Daily Mail figures the photos can’t be enough, so we get a luscious description of Jessica’s body parts, errr, I mean, outfit: “Jessica's clingy purple Narciso Rodriguez jumpsuit called attention to her muscular arms, and its low-cut bodice put her cleavage on full show.”

Perhaps realizing how objectifying the article was becoming, the reader gets to learn that Jennifer actually is something besides Jerry’s wife: “The cookbook author completed the look with a black double-chain necklace and colorful dangling earrings. Her blonde locks were slicked back and she had on a bright red lip.”

Finally, we get a mention of Jerry’s attire: “Meanwhile Jerry looked dapper in a black tuxedo, crisp white shirt and black bow tie.”

Umm, yeah, his outfit just gets a sentence because we know what a man wears isn’t important, it’s what he does. So then we get a description of his experience of the SNL 40^th Anniversary special.

I understand that it’s a night about comedy and he’s a comedian and that’s why the article is about him, but why does his wife have to get turned into just an objectified thing for the night?

Can you imagine if Daily Mail wrote an article about one of the female comedians there with the title:  'Most comedy talent in one place!' Tina Fey beams at SNL's 40th anniversary as husband Jeff Richmond, shows off buff figure?

My butt: The beauty of the before and after

Goodness, there has been an awful lot of stripping down going on lately by mothers. From the Dutch model Lara Stone, who posed nude post-baby for System Magazine, to Kim Kardashian’s greased up Paper cover, there is definitely no longer a need to pay for a Playboy subscription.

The Daily Mail UK says Kardashian explains, “As a role model I'm not saying anyone else should do that, but for me it was an art project and it taught me to do what you want to do.”

You can’t argue that point; it is good to feel empowered enough to act on your own desires and to not be shamed by others’ morals.

I used to do just that.

Before: Back in my modeling days

Then I got older and--wiser? I hid my body away. I covered up. I got more conservative as befits a mother, or so I thought.

And I lost some of my sense of self. I lost some sense of myself as a beautiful, sexual woman. I lost connection to a certain part of myself.

I've watched with interest as celebrities and everyday women claim empowerment through posing nude; it's made me ponder my stance and realize where I stand.

This past week, I've seen the expected parodies and responses to Kim Kardashian's butt: Chelsea Handler has been doing her own selfie-versions as part of the conversation and there’s even a Princess Jasmine version of the butt shot.

This whole posing-in-the-nude-to-make-some-point just might be getting oversaturated.

Of course, maybe that could be part of some kind of solution to how women are portrayed in media. If we see everybody and their mother (literally) in the nude, maybe we’ll get to the point as a culture where we’ll say, who cares?

Maybe we’ll get to the point where nobody will say, “Oh! But you’re a mother! You shouldn’t pose nude!”

After: 23 years and three children later

Maybe we’ll get to the point where we really will get to see the diversity and beauty in all different shapes and sizes and ages of bodies.

Maybe we’ll get to the point where every nude image of a woman doesn’t have to be sexualized and presented for a male gaze, but can just be a photo of a female celebrating her body.

Maybe we’ll get to the point where what we choose to do or not do with our bodies will be our decisions to make alone and no one will judge us for those decisions.

And hey, maybe the fathers will get in on the act, too. And we can all live in a happy-ever-after world with lots of different naked people all getting along and loving each other regardless of how perfect (or not) our bodies are.

Spring Break for Kids

My kids have Spring break this week, so I’ll only be able to write a minimum amount this week as I try to balance giving them attention and going to work and getting my class work done.

I returned to my teenage years and danced to Falco’s “Rock Me Amadeus” today. This was one of the songs I used to blast from our stereo after school and dance to until I sweated out my frustrations and depression.

I am freaking awesome just the way I am

I remember the first time I heard Lorde’s song Royals on the radio, before anyone knew who she was; I said to myself, This woman is going to be famous.

When I learned she was only seventeen, I was blown away.

Seeing such talent in young women usually gives me two mixed reactions: 1) I feel like anything is possible and there is still great art and expression to be made by others and myself, and 2) I feel like I am way too old to have any impact in the world with my creativity and I might as well roll over and let the young people talk to the world.

Then I sober up emotionally and intellectually and realize there’s room for all our voices. The “Lordes” and the “me’s.”

It’s imperative to hear what the youth, who are experiencing the American culture upfront and loud make of it, but it’s also important to hear the balance and hindsight of our older voices.

Us.

The ones who have actually been saying “I'm kind of over gettin' told to throw my hands up in the air” for years or even decades.

Witnessing a seventeen-year-old taking risks and feeling like she has the right and audacity to say what’s she sick of in our popular culture, then maybe I can use her as inspiration to voice my own upset as a forty-two-year-old.

I definitely am over being told to throw my hands up in the air. I’m tired of being told to always be happy and carefree. But what I’m really over is being told what I‘m supposed to be and look like in so many hidden and not-so-hidden messages.

And it’s that special time of year again when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition makes its debut on the newsstands. Showing us again that no matter what we say about women’s bodies, the ones that get celebrated publicly are the ones that fit a certain beauty ideal.

But you know what? I'm kind of over getting told to push my boobs up in the air.

So there.

I’m kind of over trying to live up to our culture’s beauty ideal, of worrying whether my thighs are thundering, of checking my butt in the mirror before I walk out the door.

I’m kind of over big boobs being worshipped.

That’s it.

I’m changing my life today.

I will no longer care what other people think.

I will live my life the way I choose and have no regrets.

I will teach yoga and writing in my own unique way, which will not please everyone, but I don’t care. I’m an awesome teacher and I make a difference in many people’s lives.

I will dance as if no one is watching, even when someone is.

I will sing loud even if people cover their ears.

I will write about the issues important to me.

I’m done with playing small in life. Except when it comes to my breasts. They are small and they are beautiful.

I’m done with never feeling good enough. I’m done with getting down on myself for not being perfect.

Today I take my stand.

I am freaking awesome just the way I am.

Some people will love me and some will hate me. It doesn’t matter either way.

I feel it. I know what’s important. Just like most of the women in our culture know it sometimes.

But I want to live it. Every day. I want to know it every day.

I AM beautiful just the way I am. I am worthy. I am important.

I hereby give myself permission to love my body, my life and myself. Little boobs and all.

Won’t you join me and say enough is enough already?

What are YOU over? What is holding you back from fully loving yourself and your life? Turn it on its head.

Let’s take back our self-esteem and our lives.

Let’s proudly show the world the women that we are. The women that should be—and can be—celebrated. 

But we need to make that choice before anyone else will make it for us. We need to demand the world change to reflect what we want to see.

I'm old enough and wise enough now to not be too proud to admit that I need to remind myself every day that I am worthy. That I am freaking awesome just the way I am.

Let's be the women who make that change so that our daughters won't need to remind themselves of that ever.

My Five-Minute Breaks from Feminism

When I saw this headline from The Onion, Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show, I laughed and cringed at the same time.

PORTLAND, OR—Saying that she just wanted a little time to relax and “not even think about” confining gender stereotypes, local health care industry consultant Natalie Jenkins reportedly took a 30-minute break from being a feminist last night to kick back and enjoy a television program. 

Jenkins, 29, told reporters that after a long and tiring day at her office, all she wanted to do was return home, sit down on her couch, turn on an episode of the TLC reality show Say Yes To The Dress, and treat herself to a brief half hour in which she could look past all the various and near constant ways popular culture undermines the progress of women.

I immediately got a guilty/funny flash in my tummy.

From The Onion

Umm, hee, hee…I’m a feminist, but umm…I kind of like to, well…

I get a divine rush of—oh my God, how could she?!—when I read about what Kim Kardashian wore or did.

My fingers tremble to reach out and pick up that copy of People at the grocery store checkout to find out if Jennifer Aniston is finally pregnant.

I secretly dream I have huge breasts and wear push-up bras and low-cut sweaters.

I like how my legs look when I wear heels.

I wish my wrinkles would magically disappear overnight.

I swoon when my husband opens the car door for me.

I enjoy Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball song and video.

And yes, even though the lyrics can be seen as kind of “rapey” and women are being objectified, I don’t turn the channel when Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines is on the radio (unless my kids are in the car).

Phew. I feel better after my little confession.

Now back to the originally scheduled Sheila.

What are your dirty, not-fighting-the-fight secrets that you do not want anyone to know?

Come on…I dare you…

Get Naked in Seattle

Yanhong Ma’s “Venice Hotel,” 2012.

I wish I was in Seattle to see this exhibit called "Get Naked," as reviewed in the Seattle Times.

“Get Naked,” at Bryan Ohno Gallery in Seattle, comprises works by eight women who depict their own and others’ bodies in ways that are honest, graphic and elusive, writes reviewer Gayle Clemans.

I go back and forth in my mind about how and what I feel the need to express about the way women's bodies are represented.

I feel like there's something inside of myself. Something to be expressed.

I'm glad there are other women out there actually doing it--exploring female imagery in relation to sexuality and power.

I'm getting a creative itch that I don't yet know how to scratch.

Stripping as a Feminst Act

Please check out Great Debates, which is a new platform, where Huffington Post pits two expert bloggers against one another to tackle some of today's most pressing issues.

In their first Great Debate, Can Stripping Ever Be Feminist?, stripper-turned-author Sheila Hageman blogs that you can take your clothes off for men and still be a feminist, whilst women's rights campaigner Navprit Rai insists stripping can never be a feminist statement.