1)
The
only time you whip out your breasts in public is to nurse your hungry baby.
2)
The
best compliment you’ve received lately is when your husband saw you in jeans a few
weeks postpartum and said, “You look good. Not thin, not fat, just normal” and
it made you feel awesome.
3)
The
comment “How beautiful!” lobbed in your direction no longer makes you think you
might be able to sell a lap dance, but rather that you need to lock your daughter
in her bedroom until she turns eighteen.
4)
The
only hands you need to worry about tugging on your clothes and pulling your
underpants down belong to fingers sticky with candy.
5)
You
are now actually responsible for cleaning up all incidents of vomit, urine and
feces that happen in your vicinity.
6)
Underwear
is no longer about how much you can show, but how much you can hold in.
7)
The
last time you had a Brazilian, it was a bag of take-out and didn’t involve hot
wax, tears or walking funny the next day.
8)
The
only bouncer in your employ is not a massive bodybuilder named Vinny, but a springy
seat with baby elephants and kangaroos on it.
9)
The
only bottle service you’re negotiating is whether you or your husband will be
taking the 3 am feeding with baby.
10)
Instead
of guys hassling you to negotiate for bjs, it’s all about fending off repeated
requests for PB&Js.
