An Open Letter to Danica Dillon, the stripper and porn star who had sex with Josh Duggar:

I will admit I had mixed feelings when I saw your story splashed all over the news. Everywhere I turned, there was some variation of the headline: Josh Duggar Cheated With Me!”: Woman Tells All About Their Two Sexual Encounters.

At once, I understood and felt compassion toward you, but I also felt revulsion and anger.

But I know you are only reflecting back to me something I recognize in myself.

I was once a sex worker.

Once upon a time…I was stripper and a nude model. I made my money off of men and their desires.

And I was in utter denial for a lot of my time in the business.

I did dangerous things.

And while many assume that I had an amazing amount of courage to stand onstage naked and an extremely high level of self-esteem and confidence, it was quite the opposite.

When I read that you had sex for money with Josh Duggar and were now sharing the details, I did not blame you for sharing your experience, for wanting to cash in on your story. I applaud you for coming forward. I applaud you for telling your story.

I don’t even care if it was all done purely for profit and not to raise the consciousness of the problems women in the industry face, or if you are only hoping for your fifteen minutes of fame.

None of that matters after I read the small details that broke my heart and that I hope can save some other women from walking down your path—my path.

You said, “He was manhandling me, basically tossing me around like I was a rag doll. It was very traumatic. I’ve had rough sex before, but this was terrifying.”

It was that word that I fixated on.

Terrifying.

And then after this terrifying experience, he shorted you $500 of the agreed upon price of $1,500.

And then you met him again. And you have sex with him again. With a man whom with you had had an experience that was terrifying. With a man that could not be trusted.

If the story is true (you did pass a polygraph test), I feel so bad for you.

Again, this is because I recognize myself and the times I did things I felt I had no choice in, the times I put myself in danger because I thought this was the only way I could make money, the times I felt terrified, but did the things anyway.

And I was not even as hardcore as you; I was not a porn star or a prostitute. I was simply a stripper and nude model.

When I think of you walking back into a room with a man who terrified you, who didn’t even pay you what he said he would, I am reminded of my own vulnerability, my own stupidity, my own depression, my own lack of value.

I feel so sad for you, me and all women who have walked into terrifying experiences because we did not know our own value, because we thought we could not ask or expect more, because it felt like our only choice, because we loathed ourselves that much, because we were that scared that we were inconsequential in every other way, because we thought we were only valued for our bodies and our sexiness, because we did not know or feel our inherent value as human beings.

I was there, in similar ways, and while maybe no one else is expressing it, while everyone else is focusing on you being the bad one and while you will say you are empowered by what you do, I just want to say, you are valuable.

You are valuable and valued. I sit here in my office, miles away from you now in so many ways, but I know this and I want you and every young woman thinking fame and fortune and value is to be found in our sexiness to hear it—I see you. I really see you. And I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.

There are other choices that you can make.

You do not have to, nor should you (or any woman), ever have to be terrified again.

From Porn Star to Teacher to Unemployed

PHOTO BY ANTHONY PLASCENCIA, STAR PHOTO, FILE

A teacher, Stacie Halas, has been let go from her job in California because of her porn past. This has been an ongoing story for the past year.

“An eighth-grade teacher in Oxnard who appeared in adult films for the money before she became a teacher was deemed unfit to teach, a three-member panel of California state administrative judges has ruled,” reported NBC News.

In this day of the Internet how do say our past is past when our “past” can still be purchased on the web? Is it fair to judge people for what they did in the past when what they want to do in the present is teach?

I guess it’s not about fair, but about what people perceive about our pasts.

Being a porn actress is not illegal, so why should it take away the opportunity to do good in the present?

I obviously can see how it could be distracting for students to know they can see photos of their teacher naked, but these are middle-school students. They shouldn't be surfing the web for porn at this age.

And if they do happen to see their teacher naked, so what? If Ms. Halas is willing to deal with this added burden as she teaches, why should it be a matter to fire her for?

If it’s true that she lied about her past, I can’t say that I blame her. She was probably just trying to avoid this situation.

For all I know, I may not have received certain teaching jobs because of my past and my vocal-ness of discussing it.

Do you think ex-porn actors and models should be allowed to teach?

Anderson Cooper and CT Style

Lot of rain here in the Northeast, but I'm keeping busy nonetheless!

Part II of an interview with me is up today on Elena Hartwell's Arc of a Writer blog. We discuss the process of memoir writing and how to remember all those pesky details for your writing.

I had a great time at Anderson Cooper's daytime talk show. The episode aired yesterday. I talked about Natalie Oliveros's story, a porn actress and mother, who is trying to rewrite her future as a wine purveyor.

The question was: Can a  "porn-mom" be a good mother? And you know what my answer is already.

I see no reason why a woman's occupation should determine anything having to do with being a mother. We can all be good mothers and have "other" selves that we don't share with our young children.

You can check out my clip (as recorded on my cell phone; sorry!) here.

And be sure to check out my interview tomorrow with CT Style on WTNH channel 8 in New Haven, CT, at 12:30 PM.

Why is Porn Seen as the Best Option for these Moms?

Perhaps because Mother’s Day is right around the corner, there are a lot of controversial moms in the news this week.

Another porn star/mother is Alana Evans, who appeared on Dr. Drew’s HLN show May 1st and was reported on the Huffington Post.

"Porn saved my life. It gave me a way to be with my son, to be with him every day after school," Evans said. "It gave me enough to take care of myself to take care of him, to pay our bills without being on welfare and stay off public assistance."

“Evans even came to the defense of "Octomom" Nadya Suleman, who shortly after filing bankruptcy, has reportedly signed on to star in a masturbation video for extra money.

"Any woman who's willing to do whatever she has to to take care of her children -- even if that means doing porn -- good for her," Evans said. "Other people may not agree with it, but ... in reality she is putting her kids first."”

I totally support women doing what they need to do to make ends meet as long as they feel good about what they are doing and not harming anyone.

Perhaps the big issue that isn’t being addressed is that porn is the best option these women see for themselves as a way to make enough money to support their kids and spend time with them.

Why is that? Why are there not better options for working mothers?

Can a Porn Star Be a Good Mom?

20/20’s theme Friday was “True Confessions,” which wouldn’t be complete without an adult entertainer of some sort.

ABC News introduces us to Natalie Oliveros, mom to 10-year-old Luchino, who is a porn star know as Savanna Samson.

"My life means nothing without, without him," Oliveros said. "Everything that I've done in my life, all the choices I've made, will one day benefit him instead of being a shameful thing for him."

We also have “Octomom” Nadya Suleman in the news this week saying that she might consider doing porn in order to provide for her children: Octomom Nadya Suleman Reevaluates Porn.

So the question everyone’s discussing: Can an adult entertainer be a good mother?

Well, let’s take a look at what really matters—is the mother providing for her family, raising her children to be good people, and being true to herself?

If a mother can say yes to all these questions, then I don’t see what the problem is. Being an adult entertainer is a legal job. Yes, it’s a job that requires a level of openness with one’s sexuality that not all people have, but if the woman is not harming others, why should it matter?

"I'm just an entertainer, and this is how I choose to entertain," Oliveros said. "And, morally speaking, that's what's confusing about me, is that I do have morals. And yet, it's contradictory, I guess, by the industry I'm in."

We all have different morals and those morals even change over time. But that’s just it—they are our morals, no one else’s to decide for us.

As adults, we all have “secrets” we don’t come right out and share with our children when they are too young to understand. And if we’re parents, we’ve all pretty much probably had sex at some point in our lives. Sex and children kind of go hand-in-hand.

So to jump to the conclusion that just because someone has sex for money on film that they can’t be a good parent just doesn’t add up. To attach our own “values” surrounding sexuality and what it should look like is unfair.

We all make choices and yes, there may be repercussions for adult entertainers in the form of more explaining that needs to be done for our children. But in the long run, sexuality is a complicated issue no matter whether we are or have been strippers or porn stars or are just moms who have more traditional careers.

Are People Involved in Porn Inherently Bad?

Perez Hilton reports on Perezitos about how an “Ex Gay Porn Actor Tried To Teach High School, But Fox News Put An End To That!”


This man, Kevin Hogan, who was in three gay porn films eventually moved on to another career—English teacher. And now that parents and the school has found out about his past, there is outrage.

Perez Hilton thinks it goes to him being gay, but I would strongly disagree with that. To me, it sounds like the problem is that he chose to be in porn at all. He is now on paid leave.

I want to know why what someone did in their past, which isn’t illegal, has any bearing on who they are today and what they are capable of. Even better, even if someone was involved in something illegal, why should that matter if they are a different person today?

I am proud of who I am today, but I refuse to hide my past. Yes, I was a stripper. Yes, there are photographs of me in the world.

But I am a good mom. And I am a good English teacher. But no, I was not born those things. It is my past that created the woman I am today.

Our pasts help define us, but do not have the final word. Who we are today is what matters; what we have created from our pasts and what we’ve decided to give to the world is what matters.