Rage, Body Image Issues and Bad Romance

Rage is a new feeling for me and it scares me because it makes me imagine what it must be like for other people whose rage is even stronger than mine.

I yelled at Tommy this weekend because he wanted water after bedtime even though he’d already said he didn’t want any. My exhaustion didn’t want me to get up and get it for him.

So I yelled. Loudly.

I am so mad at you.

His little feet padding away down the hallway sipping at his little turtle cup.

You are so rude!

This little three-year-old being. A deep, but not rational, part of me thinks he’s trying to get away with something. It’s a power play and I shouldn’t give in. And he’s starting to scream again after a good half-an-hour of yelling at bedtime. And that’s why I screamed.

I’m so tired. I’ve got nothing left inside me.

Must these bursts of rage be a part of my life without antidepressants? Are they normal?

I must admit I was looking forward to my dancing today. I’m already enjoying the “me” time. I dance just for me. And to feel joy or whatever strong emotions I can shake out of my being.

An interesting phenomenon arose today after I viewed my video of me dancing to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.

I noticed not only the joyfulness of my dancing, but I noticed the negatives, too. I saw how my arms are out of shape and kind of wobbly. I saw my funny faces that I’m sure people will laugh at and judge. I saw some dance moves that looked a bit suggestive and silly.

But on the bright side, I also noticed how quickly I was able to say, so what?

This dancing thing is for me. For me to fight my depression. And to learn more about myself.

One big thing I learned today, I am not in great physical shape. After dancing, I had a coughing fit and some serious lung ache.

How in the world do performers dance all-out AND sing at the same time, for goodness’ sake?

This is me. These are my issues. Welcome to my world.

Minnie Mouse and Lady Gaga Want You to Know They Are Skinny

From Celebuzz.com

If almost everybody agrees that scary skinny isn't even pretty, then why do we still see that body image being presented to us as everyday as the ideal?

My latest blog for the Huffington Post looks at last week's examples of extreme Photoshopping and what it says about us.

Minnie Mouse and Lady Gaga Love Them Some Photoshop

How do you feel about beloved children's characters like Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck being made into skinny supermodels to hawk clothes for Barneys?

From Shine.Yahoo.com

And what about Lady Gaga? I thought she was all about us being proud of being "Born this Way"?

Do you think the Photoshopping of her Vogue cover sends the wrong message?

Lady Gaga Still Struggles with Feelings of Low Self-Worth

I’ll admit I was never the biggest Lady Gaga fan, although I did like a lot of the songs off her first album.

This feature on MSNBC by Courtney Garcia made me like what she represents more.

I’d kind of fallen into the camp who felt she’d been overplayed and that she was just all about being over-the-top to get noticed, but i really hadn’t ever read any interviews with her.

To learn that she experienced bullying as a youth and is open to talk about it gave me newfound respect for her.

Appearing Sunday night on “Oprah’s Next Chapter” on Winfrey's OWN network, the singer discussed being bullied as a kid and the impact it’s had on her self-esteem and personal call-to-action as a celebrity activist. The singer says schoolmates threw trash at her and called her a “slut,” and those memories inspire her to promote empowerment through her music and to further anti-bullying initiatives.

“All the praise you receive, something inside of you is scarred by those experiences,” said the 25-year-old singer. “Sometimes I feel worthless.”

The fact that a success like Lady Gaga can still experience feelings of low self-worth even after all she has achieved tells me a lot about how important our early experiences are in making us who we are.

There is something so cathartic about looking at the stories of our lives from the place where we are today. Some artists do their digging through memoir or songwriting and singing or visual arts or dance.

It doesn’t matter what venue or genre we choose to examine our lives—it just seems to matter that we open ourselves to all our stories, both positive and negative—to really come to peace with ourselves, even as we may still struggle with less than perfect feelings about ourselves at times.