Is Rape Ever Not Rape?

Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders ruffled feathers talking about her autobiography on BBC’s Woman’s Hour with Jenni Murray.

Murray spoke of the controversy caused by Hynde talking about her “rape,” which Hynde denied naming the experience. Hynde feels responsible for the event because she put herself into the situation.

Of course, this goes against everything we as women tend to say about rape—it is never a woman’s fault.

Hynde was trying to point out there’s a difference between getting dragged into the bushes in a park and being high, reckless and in a dangerous situation.

I totally get what she’s saying. It’s kind of like what I think I’ll teach my daughter—you’re never at fault for rape, but please do protect yourself as much as possible. Don’t put yourself in situations that compromise you.

I wish that were not the case, but I do think we need to deal with the real world.

I want my daughter to know the risks out there and how to protect herself.

Ode to Margaret Cho

I’ve always liked comedian Margaret Cho. I saw her perform in Fairfield, CT, a few years ago. After reading the interview by Danielle Bacher, Margaret Cho Gets Deep About Past Sexual Abuse: 'All I Have Is Ownership of My Own Suffering,’ for Billboard, I like her even more.

Jessica Chou from Billboard

There is such an honesty in her art and performance. She is someone who it seems is truly being real and being herself. She has found a way to express herself through different media—comedy, song and prose—as she needs them.

I see her as a role model: she says what she thinks and feels and experiences without a filter and then finds ways to express and heal through her art.

This piece is inspired by hearing Cho talk about her childhood abuse. She helps me feel like I don’t have to censor myself so much. She makes me feel empowered to express what’s real.

Rope

The rope he used to tie

my thin white arms

behind my back.

He leads me into small cold bedroom,

pushes me down onto dirty sheets—

ones his mother gave him with little yellow flowers.

It’s dark except for slants of light

crossing in from living room.

I’m on my stomach,

choking on flying feather balls.

Tears are soaking the pillow.

He ties my ankles together;   

it hurts, it cuts into my skin.

He opens the left side door of his closet

takes out his brown leather belt

it was hanging there

he’s making sniffling sounds

I can smell his Marlboro

I am crying and I am saying

do it do it do it whatever it takes

whip me whip me

the words pathetic, clichéd,

but that is what I said

he is he is he is he is he is he is whipping me  

honestly and it makes this slapping sound

this cutting feeling on my back

on my buttocks

I didn’t know he’d do it

so hard and he keeps it on going

now I’m saying      

please stop I love you oh god oh please oh stop  you’re high you don’t know when to stop

then just like that I hear the belt’s buckle

clink on the tile floor and he walks

out of the room and I smell his cigarette

smoke again.  I peer back over my shoulder

but it’s too dark to see the welts

then there he is his face

pink red and his blonde hair spiky

he stares at me with cold marble eyes

takes his belt off, pants off

I’m crying and he comes

over to me and fucks

me from behind

while I’m crying lying there

This is what rape feels like.  

When Celebrities Rape: Blame the Victim?

The Daily Mail UK reports on Bill Cosby's lawyer's statement:

Cosby's lawyers slammed Valentino's account—and the 15 others—as 'increasingly ridiculous'. Martin Singer, an attorney for Cosby, said in a statement on Friday: 'The new, never-before-heard claims from women who have come forward in the past two weeks with unsubstantiated, fantastical stories about things they say occurred 30, 40, or even 50 years ago have escalated far past the point of absurdity.  

'These brand new claims about alleged decades-old events are becoming increasingly ridiculous, and it is completely illogical that so many people would have said nothing, done nothing, and made no reports to law enforcement or asserted civil claims if they thought they had been assaulted over a span of so many years.' 

Cosby’s lawyer’s statement has raised such anger in me as I can only imagine it has for the women directly involved in any similar rape or attempted rape experience.

 Bill Cosby Creative Commons Image

Regardless of whether Cosby is innocent or guilty, what is “absurd” is that a lawyer has no knowledge or understanding of what a rape victim goes through or how unlikely it has been in the past for a woman to come forward with allegations.

Thankfully, times have changed somewhat for the crime and some women do feel the strength to press charges. But the reality of the alleged situations with Bill Cosby is that when someone in a position of power, wealth and adored status by society is accused of something like rape, the “absurdity” created in the culture’s collective mind cannot make sense of that public figure actually being a villain and so must belittle the victim or victims instead to allow for the dissonance.

My celebrity attempted rape experience differed in that my perpetrator was well-known at the time for being a “pickup artist.”

“His libido was so legendary that in 1989 Spy magazine published an eight-page foldout chart of his exploits called “The Pick-Up Artist’s Guide to Picking Up Women.””

James Toback  http://www.metro.us/

The fact that what Toback did to naïve young women, and for all I know, probably still does today, is considered a “pick-up” and not rape says a lot about the problem of celebrity in our society.

My “pick-up” by Toback started just like his others, but I did not know about his reputation at the time. I was a struggling New York City actress who fell for his line of making me a star in his next film.

Yes, even though red flags kept waving in my mind, I kept squelching them because of who he was. This was the big time; this was a real film director.

So, as the flashing signs became brighter, my mind continually told me that what I thought was happening, must be wrong. This was someone I could trust.

It was not until he stripped all his clothes off and slammed me up against a wall that I knew I was in trouble.
After I escaped his apartment, I was beyond embarrassed and hurt. I felt betrayed and ridiculous.

I was unable to speak about the experience because I knew what people would say: you asked for it; you walked right into it; no one made you go to his apartment.

But does any of that make me guilty for his actions?

What is this world becoming that we can’t trust someone’s words? That we can’t trust in the people we’ve been taught we can trust?

But the bigger problem we need to worry about is the fear that many women must live with—will I be raped? And if so, will I even be believed? Or will I be treated like the responsible party or possibly even the villain?