Passion is the key word. This is what I want in my life.
The more closely aligned I am to this feeling for more and
more of my days, I believe I will be slashing away at my depression.
Passion is like the antidote to depression, but of course,
the problem arises when I cannot even dream about living in passion because
depression has deadened me so much.
This is why I need to start big at first. I need to make
myself do something that is so passion-filled that I cannot but help feel a bit
better, which for me is expressive dancing (or dancing like a crazy head).
And truly the only way I think I can guarantee I will engage
in that passion-filled dancing is if I make it a must instead of a should. That
is why I need to videotape it and include it here. This is like my daily
weigh-in, only it’s a am-I-doing-all-I-can-for-myself-to-be-healthy-today-in.
This blog will act as my reminder that I have made a promise
to myself, to fight depression with fire.
The experiment then becomes, is that enough to keep me true
to myself? And can dancing with all my heart to one song a day actually help me
battle my depression and live life fully?
I’ve been off antidepressants for almost a month now. The
euphoria of experiencing real joy, laughter and happy emotions is wearing off
already. At first, as my body and mind cleared of the medication fog I’ve come
to know as my normal state of being, I saw things brighter, laughed heartier
and felt optimistic beyond my greatest imaginings.
Suddenly, writing projects that I had to force myself to work
on took on new importance, new urgency.
The joys I was experiencing were enough to make the equally
strong difficult emotions that were arising seem not so bad. Yes, I was having
bursts of anger and rage jump from my being with no filter, but that was to be
expected. At least I was experiencing my emotions outwardly as opposed to what
I’d become accustomed to—only depression and always projected inwardly.
But the heavy thoughts are returning already. They are
trying to take over, trying to show me who’s boss. The depression is slinking
in through the cracks, building momentum as I lose my forward thrust through
life. I feel it in my bones.
I know I can always return to meds if it gets as bad as it
has in the past, but I want to try something else first.
I realize that I have to be proactive every day. It is not
enough to want to be happy for someone who suffers from depression. At least
not for me.
I have to push myself into joy every day. I have to choose
joy to show my depression who’s really boss.
I’ve tried this in many ways in the past, but never
succeeded for very long, so I’ve been asking myself what really brings me joy.
What am I missing from my life?
Something that keeps coming up is that I miss performing. I
miss expressing myself through my body, through my voice, through my energy.
When I am teaching writing or yoga, I enter into that blissful place of
non-time. I love connecting with an audience; I love inspiring others to feel
and find joy.
And I do love to dance and to sing. Even though I am not
trained. Even though I don’t know the “right” way to do these things. I do know
they bring me joy. And I want more joy in my life.
So, this is my experiment. I will share here on my blog,
once a day, me finding my joy, pushing myself into my joy.
It may be embarrassing, but I don’t care. This is what I
teach my students to do. This is what I need to do.
Push myself into my joy, even if it means stepping outside
of my comfort zone. No more living life small and depressed. No more caring
what others think.
I choose joy today. (And hopefully tomorrow I will convince
myself to find joy once more.)
