They say that it’s not safe for a recovering alcoholic to
return to the same friends and hangouts they used to have.
I took that message to heart when I found myself overwhelmed
by bad habits, an unhealthy body image and addictions when I quit stripping
almost two decades ago.
It wasn’t alcohol or drugs that ruled my world, rather
sexual addictions and a need for drama.
I hung up my stilettos and unfortunately, my acting shoes,
too, because I could not really separate one stage from another. I left behind
my greatest dreams to find a peace of mind I yearned for more than a successful
acting career.
There was plenty to fill the gap: I returned to school and
shifted my focus from my external self to everything I could accomplish solely
with the powers of my mind.
I found new happiness and success: valedictorian of my
college, an MFA in Creative Writing, a yoga teacher certification (although,
granted, this involved my body, too), a published book, a college teaching
career, a husband, a family.
And, finally: Peace.
Sure, the acting bug would pop its shiny head up every now
and then and the question would rise: What if?
It wasn’t until my work friend mentioned auditions at a
theatre she was involved in that I actually paused and thought: Maybe I should;
Maybe I will…
I did. I auditioned. For the first time in fifteen years,
and it felt good.
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| Picture of Sheila Hageman as Gwen Landis |
I felt like I was back in my element. Back amongst people
who understood my love to make believe and my search for understanding.
Playing Gwen Landis in Lanford Wilson’s “Fifth of July” at
the Town Players of Newtown has brought back the joy, the commitment, and
interestingly—the peace without the drama of my younger self.
The peace that I find onstage when I release myself to my
character and let the rest of the world stop.
This is why I acted. I had forgotten the transportation of
self I experience—that same expression of a deeper self I experience when I write,
when I teach, when I practice yoga, when I love my family.
I see the cross-connection—the exuberance of experience, of
entering a deeply felt sense of life and awe of being.
I open myself to this and allow myself to be attentive to my
next steps upon this journey.
