Hot

It was hot today. Very hot. I am wondering if after having a baby the heat bothers you more. I have always begged people to turn down the air-conditioning, but now I’m roaring about the AC not being cranked enough.

Genevieve only needs to wear simple little one-piece outfits now, which is a relief. No more coats, hats and mittens to yank on her. Of course, now Genny needs sun block applied, a sunhat and lots of drinking water.

I visited Lloyd, the hypnotherapist, while Genny was at the babysitter’s today. We talked about what holds me back from making more money in life. Some very interesting issues came out having to do with family and those thoughts we all have that get buried deep inside our psyches. When you think about how many times we absorb the negative messages of our family and society when we are young without being able to control the impact on our lives, it’s overwhelming.

I have always felt that I’m not allowed to have more in life because there are others who have less than me. Wallowing in guilt for what I have obviously isn’t productive, but I have never been able to free myself from this belief. I hold myself back because I resent those women I see who have everything I want and I don’t want to be resented one day.

I’ve got to take action to improve my life no matter what my feelings are about what others will think of me. As long as I share some of what I make, I shouldn’t feel guilty.

And I want a nanny. There, I said it loud and proud. I want to have my own life along with being a mother. For anyone who doesn’t understand that, well, phooey to them. Phooey to all.

From my own life to Genny’s we jump. Genevieve gave me a real kiss on the lips this afternoon. And she hugged me a bunch of times. Laid her head down on my lap. Rubbed her sweaty head and hair against my arm.

I’m a mom. But I’m also so much more.