For Preventing the Feminists of the World from Being
a Burden to Men or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public
For those not familiar with the UK’s tabloid the
Sun, the Page 3 Girls are topless women whose photos appear in the daily
paper. There have been numerous attempts made by women to rid the Sun of these
women most famously by the campaign No More Page 3.
In a Twitter response to Karen Mason, @Kazipooh, who
said “@rupertmurdoch #nomorepage3 Seriously, we are all so over page 3 - it is
so last century!”, Rupert Murdoch, @rupertmurdoch, said: “You maybe (sic)
right, don't know but considering. Perhaps halfway house with glamorous
fashionistas.”
With apologies to Jonathon Swift, who is so three
centuries ago, I believe I may have an answer to the problem.
It is quite tiresome to turn on the news and listen
to all the bedraggled, overweight feminists raging on about how photos of
topless women in the media lead to the degradation of women and even possibly
domestic violence.
I think we can all agree that the aging and let’s be
frank, shall we, ugly women who think women should not expose themselves in
newspapers are tedious and so out-of-touch with what young, beautiful women
want. It is not even just these so-called “feminists” that I have a proposal
for, but in fact, all women of the beauty ideal age that society deems pleasing
to look at.
I have thought long and hard on this subject and
believe that for women to truly learn their correct position in our society
that not only should the Page 3 Girls not be removed from the Sun, but that
they should, in fact, be added to every print publication in existence.
The number of women deemed attractive enough for
print will dictate the number of pages needed to be added to publications,
hence possibly causing the need for Page 4, 5 and 6 Girls at times.
I am assured by the number of tits-and-ass-loving
gentlemen of our current society that there will be ample space for all women
of the correct age to be photographed, which I will go out on a limb and
suggest to be between the ages of 18 and 24.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own
thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
Every woman who comes of age in our society shall
have to pass through a screening process of pre-selected men who will choose
which women will be deemed attractive enough to be photographed topless and
shared with popular culture for the betterment of male-kind and also for
helping to concretize women’s proper place on the totem pole of gender
hierarchy.
Many other advantages for our society will include: the
reordering of our gender identities back into their rightful places, the
reminder to women that men are the ones in charge of deciding who and what is
considered beautiful, the monetary reward for the models who might go
unemployed otherwise, the reassurance to men everywhere that their urge to see
women half naked at their convenience is not only a right but a necessity.
I can think of no objection that could be raised to
this proposal other than some incessant Twitter chats begun by uppity and
uncooperative womyn who may argue that this proposal is sexist and degrading
and that they cannot be made to strip for others’ enjoyment. To them I would
say that any other recipes for redressing women’s complaints about sexism and
female degradation have failed, often at the hands of women themselves: women
cannot agree even that they themselves are beautiful, but rather write endless
blogs of how to boost body image and self-esteem; feminists fight amongst
themselves as to what is actually “feminist” or not; women wish to be seen as
equal to men, but still insist on being the ones to bear children; the beauty
industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that proves women are concerned
about one thing and one thing only—becoming a Page 3 Girl.
I confess that I have no personal gain
to be made from this proposal as I am way past the age of ideal beauty and
would most definitely not pass muster with a pre-selected male committee
deciding the value of my beauty.
