Blaze Starr Had No Apologies

The New York Times reports Blaze Starr, a Burlesque Queen Who Was Linked to a Governor, Dies at 83.

She was best known for the 1989 movie Blaze about her affair with Gov. Earl K. Long of Louisiana.

Via Nytimes.com: Blaze Starr in 1950. CreditApic/Getty Images

I love this quote from her:

“Society thought that to be a stripper was to be a prostitute,” Ms. Starr told The New York Times in 1989, at the time of the movie’s release. “But I always felt that I was an artist, entertaining. I was at ease being a stripper. I kept my head held high, and if there is such a thing as getting nude with class, then I did it.”

She managed to stay in the business quite a long time—30 years. Starr left when the industry was becoming too “raunchy.”

I was just lucky enough to stumble into the “career” right at the time of the raunch.

Bravo to Blaze Starr for having no apologies. This seems like an incredible feat to achieve. May she rest in peace.

Top 3 Reasons I Love Caitlyn Jenner’s Vanity Fair Cover and All It Represents (Plus my 1 reservation)

Photo via Vanity Fair

1.         No matter celebrity status, success, money or privilege, coming out to the world as a women took more courage than most people display in their entire lives.

As accepting as many liberal Americans are today, I sometimes forget (or maybe just want to) that not everybody is not as accepting and freethinking as my friends and I are. Heck, just saying that, I realize some of my friends may be thinking—I’m not that free thinking, Sheila!

2.         Caitlyn Jenner’s very public transition from a celebrated male athlete to a confident woman will help so many confused young people.

For any young people confused my their gender identification, having a world-famous role model to use as proof that there is nothing wrong with what they feel in their heart, can hopefully be transformational and a source of support.

3.         It is never too late to make major changes in one’s life and self.

Jenner is setting an example that no matter how one has portrayed oneself to the world, no matter for how long, it is still possible at any point in one’s life to say, this is the real me. Jenner shows that regardless of what some will say, one can come into one’s true self at any age.

Photo of Caitlyn Jenner from Vanity Fair

 My one reservation

How wonderful that Jenner has the wealth, the status and the privilege to make her transition in such a well-supported way.

Her status as a respected athlete and her fame from reality television has given her the opportunity to transition with the best team of specialists available.

Money was no object at any point of this change.

Her ability to be photographed by the world-famous Annie Leibovitz and to be styled by the top makeup and hair professionals available, and to be dressed in the finest of couture, and to be lighted and primped and polished and photoshopped to perfection, does not represent the reality of most people transitioning.

We are again presented with an idealized female representation of beauty that most of us can never achieve.

Of course, that is not to say that this cover is not beautiful. It is.

I imagine most of us, were we to be given the opportunity to be on the cover of Vanity Fair, would not say no to being beautified by the experts…

A Quick and Easy Yoga Energy Boost

No matter how you’re feeling, five minutes of yoga can only improve that feeling.

As hard as it can be to get moving when you are feeling depressed, it is exactly what you need.

I will admit I don’t always take my own advice, but when I do, I am always grateful.

So, what are you waiting for? Take a quick five-minute yoga break. It doesn’t have to look any certain way or even be any “real” yoga poses—just move your body and feel the energy boost!

The Peace of the Theatre: Reentering the World, But Leaving the Drama Behind

They say that it’s not safe for a recovering alcoholic to return to the same friends and hangouts they used to have.

I took that message to heart when I found myself overwhelmed by bad habits, an unhealthy body image and addictions when I quit stripping almost two decades ago.

It wasn’t alcohol or drugs that ruled my world, rather sexual addictions and a need for drama.

I hung up my stilettos and unfortunately, my acting shoes, too, because I could not really separate one stage from another. I left behind my greatest dreams to find a peace of mind I yearned for more than a successful acting career.

There was plenty to fill the gap: I returned to school and shifted my focus from my external self to everything I could accomplish solely with the powers of my mind.

I found new happiness and success: valedictorian of my college, an MFA in Creative Writing, a yoga teacher certification (although, granted, this involved my body, too), a published book, a college teaching career, a husband, a family.

And, finally: Peace.

Sure, the acting bug would pop its shiny head up every now and then and the question would rise: What if?

It wasn’t until my work friend mentioned auditions at a theatre she was involved in that I actually paused and thought: Maybe I should; Maybe I will…

I did. I auditioned. For the first time in fifteen years, and it felt good.

Picture of Sheila Hageman as Gwen Landis

I felt like I was back in my element. Back amongst people who understood my love to make believe and my search for understanding.

Playing Gwen Landis in Lanford Wilson’s “Fifth of July” at the Town Players of Newtown has brought back the joy, the commitment, and interestingly—the peace without the drama of my younger self.

The peace that I find onstage when I release myself to my character and let the rest of the world stop.

This is why I acted. I had forgotten the transportation of self I experience—that same expression of a deeper self I experience when I write, when I teach, when I practice yoga, when I love my family.

I see the cross-connection—the exuberance of experience, of entering a deeply felt sense of life and awe of being.

I open myself to this and allow myself to be attentive to my next steps upon this journey.

Positive Body Image Means We Can Love Our Bodies Just as They Are But Still Want to Create Change

Positive body image means loving ourselves as we are now, even if we also wish to make changes to our outer appearance.

Brooklyn resident Matt Diaz embodies this positive body image message.

Daily News reports Brooklyn man who dropped 270 lbs. posts emotional plea to fund excess skin surgery - and strangers respond with $33K.

After losing half his body weight, Diaz had an excess amount of skin. Always a promoter of healthy body image, he felt to be truly honest with the world that he needed to show what lay beneath his incredible transformation.

Diaz posted video of what he looks like now and requested people donate to a fund to help him afford the excess skin removal surgery. He will now be able to afford the surgery thanks to the positive turnout from strangers ready to support him.

He explains that although he does want surgery to fix the skin issue, it is not that he does not love himself just the way he is.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to change things," Diaz said. "I refuse to hate my body. I just want to be better."

This is a message that oftentimes is hard to understand, but is so vital to "get" as we seek to move to a new way of viewing our own selves.

I remember one yoga client I had who struggled with her weight her entire life. Her main reason for working with me and trying yoga was to get rid of her excess belly weight.

A drive to improve the way one looks is often the precipitating factor that causes one to begin yoga or any kind of new workout regimen. Of course, we can usually see the positive health benefits, too, but oftentimes, outer appearance is what first motivates us to change.

Unfortunately, that very fact can sometimes make or break whether one will stick with the program and whether one will be improving one's body image or mangling it more in the process.

We can desire to make positive changes, even in our physical appearance, which can sometimes be thought of as being superficial, and still have a positive body image while we're at it.

What I kept stressing to my client, which she had a hard time grasping, as most of us do, is just because we want to change our outer appearance, doesn't mean we can't love how we look right now.

We do not have to lie to ourselves either about what we'd like to change or what we don't like; we can be honest about not liking our cellulite or our muffin top or whatever it is that we are setting out to improve upon.

The attitude that can derail us from improving out body image is when we are angry at ourselves for how we look now, or when we feel that how we look now is something to be fought and railed against.

The key is to recognize that those "imperfections" we see do not make us any less a valuable person.

Positive body image does not mean having a "perfect" body, but rather loving the body we have today, even while we might want to make some changes.

Dream Bigger, Then Grow

By Michelle Worthington

The quote that sums up my writing mission is, "Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself."

First, you have to work. Nothing comes easy in this life and your passion must be proportionate to the size of your goal. I am not afraid of hard work.

Second, keep working until you make it happen. It might be a long hard slog and there will be times you want to give up, but your tenacity must be stronger than your self-doubt.

Finally, be known as an expert in your field. Some people may mistake my goal of brand recognition as vanity or showmanship, but I can't help people if they don't know who I am. I can't share my story with them, inspire them or make a difference in this world if I sit back and wait for them to come looking for me. 

They won't.

Photo of Michelle Worthington

I have never implied I am more talented, special or worthy than anyone else and that is not what marketing yourself as a brand is about.  I can promise you that as long as I see a need, I will try to fill it. It is my duty, not only to myself, but to my children and my community to use my talents to increase the greater good. I will work hard so that when people hear my name, they will smile.

My second goal is to be interviewed on breakfast television about my writing.  The third is to increase brand awareness of Michelle Worthington, Author, on social media. The fourth is to sell more books. The final goal is to get speaking engagements nationally at writers’ festivals and women's groups where most authors make the majority of their income.

Providing for my family and setting a good example for our kids is above other things why I want to be successful. Strangely enough, I wouldn't put this as my top reason for wanting to be a writer. When your goal is hard, and your dream is bigger than your comfort zone, can living a dream for someone else really be enough to keep you motivated?

Is it so awful to want to achieve something just for yourself? Have we become so scared of being labeled 'selfish' and a 'bad mother' because we want to feel good about ourselves for something we alone have accomplished?  My kids love me and they want me to be happy, so does hubby. But, do they want the dream I have? Do they share my passion? The answer is no. Doing it for them is not enough. I have to do it for myself. What other people think of me is a huge achievement-blocker that needs to be overcome because when my goal becomes difficult to reach, it will be easy to stop and justify failure by saying it didn't turn out to be the right thing for my family and I will listen to the million reasons why I shouldn't keep trying.

What if it was the right thing for me and I just gave in because it meant my family would have had to make some changes and sacrifices for me to achieve it? My goal will also create my sanity and is my salvation. When I do achieve my goals, with the love and support of my family, it will be something I have done for myself and I want to be proud of that.

Ten Clues You’re a Mom and Not a Stripper Anymore

1)      The only time you whip out your breasts in public is to nurse your hungry baby.

2)      The best compliment you’ve received lately is when your husband saw you in jeans a few weeks postpartum and said, “You look good. Not thin, not fat, just normal” and it made you feel awesome.

3)      The comment “How beautiful!” lobbed in your direction no longer makes you think you might be able to sell a lap dance, but rather that you need to lock your daughter in her bedroom until she turns eighteen.

4)      The only hands you need to worry about tugging on your clothes and pulling your underpants down belong to fingers sticky with candy.

5)      You are now actually responsible for cleaning up all incidents of vomit, urine and feces that happen in your vicinity.

6)      Underwear is no longer about how much you can show, but how much you can hold in.

7)      The last time you had a Brazilian, it was a bag of take-out and didn’t involve hot wax, tears or walking funny the next day.

8)      The only bouncer in your employ is not a massive bodybuilder named Vinny, but a springy seat with baby elephants and kangaroos on it.

9)      The only bottle service you’re negotiating is whether you or your husband will be taking the 3 am feeding with baby.

10)  Instead of guys hassling you to negotiate for bjs, it’s all about fending off repeated requests for PB&Js.

Here is a Man and Look at His Hot Wife!

Daily Mail had such an egregious article title of how women are relegated to only being important for how they look that I had to share: 'Most comedy talent in one place!' Jerry Seinfeld beams at SNL's 40th anniversary as wife Jessica, 43, shows off toned figure.

Jerry gets to “beam” and be quoted while Jessica gets to tag along to show off her body, as if that is the only reason she exists, to be a pretty piece of arm candy for her husband.

She doesn’t even get to beam in adulation of her comic husband.

Oh! But don’t worry, while Jessica doesn’t get to say anything, at least her purse does!

“Her gold purse made a statement with the word 'Saturday' emblazoned across the front.”

Thank goodness she had her purse, or she might not have even known where she was or what day it was, huh?

And it’s not like Jerry doesn’t appreciate what he owns, as the writer sees it: “Still, the 60-year-old comedian appeared to be keen on showcasing something else - his 43-year-old wife's enviable figure.”

Oh yeah, uh-huh. I can tell that’s what Jerry is doing there.

Look at what Mail Online does next—Jerry must be happy, so that calls for a metaphor—you now, fancy writing: “The Seinfeld actor looked like the cat that got the cream as he wrapped his arm around the fit blonde.”

Jerry is a cat and his wife becomes an inanimate object.

But Daily Mail figures the photos can’t be enough, so we get a luscious description of Jessica’s body parts, errr, I mean, outfit: “Jessica's clingy purple Narciso Rodriguez jumpsuit called attention to her muscular arms, and its low-cut bodice put her cleavage on full show.”

Perhaps realizing how objectifying the article was becoming, the reader gets to learn that Jennifer actually is something besides Jerry’s wife: “The cookbook author completed the look with a black double-chain necklace and colorful dangling earrings. Her blonde locks were slicked back and she had on a bright red lip.”

Finally, we get a mention of Jerry’s attire: “Meanwhile Jerry looked dapper in a black tuxedo, crisp white shirt and black bow tie.”

Umm, yeah, his outfit just gets a sentence because we know what a man wears isn’t important, it’s what he does. So then we get a description of his experience of the SNL 40^th Anniversary special.

I understand that it’s a night about comedy and he’s a comedian and that’s why the article is about him, but why does his wife have to get turned into just an objectified thing for the night?

Can you imagine if Daily Mail wrote an article about one of the female comedians there with the title:  'Most comedy talent in one place!' Tina Fey beams at SNL's 40th anniversary as husband Jeff Richmond, shows off buff figure?

Embrace Your Inner Madonna

Perhaps it’s because I was a teenager when Madonna was first hitting it big in the 1908s, but I still hold a spot in my heart for her ability to stay relevant in our fast-moving, youth-loving culture.

And perhaps it has something to do with being a bit of a rebellion myself when I was younger by embracing my sexuality and expressing it as a stripper and nude model, but I can’t get on the bandwagon and bash Madonna’s performance at the Grammy’s.

The Daily Mail called it:

Hordes of toyboys, buttock flashing and semi-naked pictureson social media... So when WILL (56-year-old) Madonna grow up?

and

Madonna, 56, takes to the Grammys stage for yet another cringe worthy performance as she simulates sex with her male dancers

The message repeated ad nauseum seems to be that it’s OK for young artists to show cleavage and butt, but when it comes to anyone over the age of thirty—whoa! Better reign it in, old lady!

But even worse than her age is that she’s a mother!

Dear God! No! A mom who wants to continue a life of her own? A mom who believes she still gets to be who she is no matter how old she is or how many kids she has?

I’m not saying every mom should run out there and flash her body to the world, but if it’s what Madonna wants to do, then her age or parental status should have nothing to do with it.

Madonna is doing all of us mothers a favor by showing we can still embrace our Rebel Hearts.

Age is just a number.

Parental status is just one aspect of what makes up a person.

Celebrate who you are and what you want to do in life and how you want to express it.

Embrace your inner Madonna.

Express your Rebel Heart.

Yoga Pick Me Up to "Waves" by Mr. Probz

When I first began making my dance videos last year, they were meant to help push me into joy. I think they helped me to remember how important it is for me to have some sort of outer expression of my internal joy and that I really want to share the joy I feel with the world.

I want to show others who suffer from depression that there is hope for us all; we have to be willing to step out of our comfort zones sometimes though when it comes to finding help that will work.

I’m still trying to find what therapeutic methods work best for me and how I might be able to help others find relief, too.

In that light, I thought I would try my hand at some yoga videos to share the joy I experience when I’m flowing through some asanas.

It truly is hard to feel depressed when your body is moving to some music that you love.

So, even if you’ve never tried yoga before, this is a great way to start. When you need a pick me up, if you can remember and convince yourself to move, even just for the length of a song, you may feel better.

Please forgive my beginner video skills, which cause my head to get chopped off. And Tiger Lilly makes a brief appearance.

How I Used Writing to Nail My Message and Grow My Business

By Ling Wong, Guest Blogger

I started my blog with the intention to promote the former iteration of my business. It was a marketing technique to drive traffic through the use of SEO.

The blog stayed the same for a few years, until I went through a transformative experience in revamping my business to go in a different direction, giving birth to Business Soulwork.

During the entire process, I used writing to explore what was happening on a deeper level.

Photo of Ling Wong, Guest Blogger

The decision to publish everything on my blog and share it with my followers was a challenge to my own fear of being vulnerable, which turned out to be a big step for me to explore and overcome my insecurity and mindset hurdles.

Publishing my truth also solidified the conviction I have about my message. Every time I write, I get more clarity.

The process of committing to writing and publishing is transformative in and of itself. Steve Pressfield described it well in his book “Turning Pro” by explaining it boils down to the commitment and the gumption we need to stick with it and make something really happen.

This journey also changed the way I approach writing. Before, I would think about what title I “should” come up with for SEO, or what content I “should” generate to sell something.

Now, I have developed a conviction about my message that leads to a level of commitment that fuels the gumption to sit down and write most days.  There are no more “should’s.” There is only my unique perspective.

I help Maverick Entrepreneurs nail their message, claim their superpowers and muster up the guts to monetize their truth so they can fully express their individuality and creativity in a profitable personality-driven business. I believe we can step into our vision, passion and conviction, and build a business around what is true for us, instead of conforming to the "what is supposed to be" and water down our message.

My process is organic and intuitive. I have to write about whatever moves me because if I try to force something out, the passion and energy is not there and the piece will not be successful.

Writing has helped me define my own journey and refine my message. If one is afraid of starting because she doesn't know what her message is, just start somewhere.

I get still and allow ideas to come through. When I sit down to type, I set an intention to stay open, let my fingers “get loose” if guidance comes through and be pleasantly surprised by what ends up on the page.

I have to overcome my own fears to say what I need to say and hit "publish." This will hopefully encourage others to step up and own their conviction, instead of hiding behind fears or "being nice."

Sometimes I write things that are opinionated and controversial. It can be a challenge to stay with the original “drive” behind the piece and to not water it down so I can feel “safe.” I have to work with the fear of rejection, or of being criticized, so my message can be communicated fully, loudly and unapologetically.

Author Bio

Through her unique blend of Business + Marketing coaching with a Mindset + Psychic Twist, Ling Wong helps Maverick Entrepreneurs nail their message, claim their superpowers and muster up the GUTS to monetize their Truth so they can build a purposeful and profitable Personality-Driven business that is a full expression of their creativity and individuality.

Find Ling and download her free “Monetize Your Truth” Mindset + Marketing training bundle.

My Belly Will Never Be the Same

Australian model Erin McNaught is the latest woman to post a mommy body photo on Instagram. Her photo shows her in a bikini four weeks after giving birth.

''4 weeks PP [post partum] and I'm starting to get my stomach back!

Aside from lots of walking and eating healthily, I've been doing loads of pelvic floor and transverse abdominus exercises. Still no traditional ab work though which is driving me crazy! #bodyafterbaby”

The comments range from congratulatory messages for her being so healthy and working hard to the negative observations that this sends a bad message to other new moms.

There are already so many pressures placed upon women to look a certain way and be a certain way as moms, that a photo and message like this can trigger negative thoughts and behaviors in non-model moms.

The worst part of photos like this though is that it sets up a certain ideal unconsciously in women’s minds.

When I gave birth to my first child, I had never seen a post-pregnancy belly before, except for toned abs like McNaught’s.

When I looked down at my belly in the days following the birth of my daughter, I was scared. I thought my abs would never be seen again. If I had only seen other moms and their squishy post-pregnancy bellies, I wouldn’t have been so worried that there was something wrong with me.

My post-pregnancy belly

My belly button looked like a cork popping out of my round midsection.

I took a photo out of bewilderment. Would this ever reverse itself?

My belly has somewhat returned to a normal state, but regardless of how much ab work, or exercises, or dieting I do, it looks like I will always have a wonky looking belly.

Am I jealous of women like McNaught?

No. I know that every woman is different. Every body is different.

Should she be showing off her trim tummy for all to see? It’s her prerogative.

I am not one to speak, having at one time been photographed looking good. Having once made a living based on what my body looked like.

My pre-pregnancy belly

Did I ever make another woman feel bad about herself? I never really thought about it quite like that before.

Do women have a responsibility to other women when it comes to their beauty? Is there a difference between celebrating ourselves and showing off?

Should there be?

Should intent matter when it comes to sharing photos of ourselves? 

Should we have to consider how other people will react to our photos? Either out of jealousy for our killer abs or even revulsion for our wrinkly, stretch-marked bellies?

Fit Moms: Inspirational or Annoying?

Check out my blog post on Huffington Post, Photos of "No Excuses" Fit Moms: Fat-Shaming or Inspiring?.

I am totally against anyone "fat-shaming," but I don't think that's what's happening in these photos. Maybe a little more in Maria Kang's photo, but Abby Pell's photo seems to be more about inspiration for moms to get in shape.

What do you think?

Do photos of fit moms saying they have no excuses and that's why they look good make you feel guilty or insecure? Or do these photos act as inspiration to you?

Or do you think this is a silly discussion?

Sound off and share your thoughts in the comments section here or on Huffington Post!

Community College Should Have Free Tuition!

Tom Hanks totally rocks it in his New York Times Op-Ed, I Owe It All to Community College: Tom Hanks on His Two Years at Chabot College.

I hereby call upon all famous people to follow suit to bring more public attention to how important affordable (free!) community college opportunities are.

As I am prepping for the semester to begin, I always look forward to my classes at Housatonic Community College. The students are most often hard-working, passionate and conscientious.

Obama’s proposed plan to make many two-year community college programs tuition-free would make such a huge difference in students’ lives. 

Just today, I received an email from a former Composition student who is hoping to take my Introduction to Literature course this spring, but had his financial aid cut. He wanted to see if I would over tally him if he is able to somehow scrape the money together at the last minute.

He was one of my star students, so of course my answer was yes. He is a fine example of a student who should have the opportunity. When someone is eager to learn, studious and ready to change their lives, we should do everything we can to help them.

I hope our country is able to put Obama’s plan into action. Let’s make education freely available to those who desire it.

This radical idea could change not only the lives of students, but also improve the entire country’s sense of freedom, fairness and opportunity.

Shaking Off the Depression!

Along with the theme of wanting to shake it, I danced to Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off today.

It’s a new year and I want to shake off my depression, frustration and general blahs. There’s a lot of emotional stuff going on for me right now. I have been feeling myself sinking into a kind of quiet, brooding depression punctuated by crazy anger bursts.

When I get really low, it’s hard to believe I’ll ever feel better, ever be NOT depressed.

I have to grasp at any brief moments of fresh air and when I feel them, saturate my entire self with the good vibes.

I was thinking I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, whatever that means, but I think I need to jump on this band wagon.

Nothing complicated. Nothing elaborate.

I want to keep doing yoga and keep dancing as often as I can without those activities becoming weighed down with the burden of keeping me undepressed.

I want to every day pause in the morning, if only for five minutes, and fill myself with positive thoughts. Even if I’m in a depression, I want to be required to spend five measly minutes reflecting on the positive and feeling an attitude of gratitude.

There you go.

I think I just made a resolution I can (hopefully) keep.

The Struggling Mom Wants to Break the Cycle

I was just looking through the comics I had tried doing awhile ago.

Well, awhile ago turns out to be 2008! Really, Sheila? Seven years ago I was writing about the same things I'm dealing with today, except add one more kid into the mix?

This is perhaps why I don't like to make New Year's resolutions. They seem to serve to make me regret what I don't accomplish as opposed to being happy for any little triumphs.

I wanted to keep working on my comics and try to further my drawing, but I didn't.

And it seems I'm still the "struggling mom."

Always trying, but never achieving.

Always being too hard on myself.

Maybe I should make a resolution...to not be so hard on myself. To accept what is.

But if I'm not able to actually do that, will I just see it as another failure on my part?

Seems like an endless circle set up to make sure I stay stuck.

Perhaps I am a walking, talking example of a fulfilling prophecy.

Perhaps my resolution instead should be to figure out how to break the cycle.

Feeling the Need to Dance

I took a long break from posting my dancing videos. I needed to take a break because I didn’t know why I was doing it anymore.

My original impetus was: A former stripper, now a mom of three, I've decided to really strip down and dance and express myself, but with my clothes on. After struggling with depression my whole life and having been on antidepressants for about 15 years, I've decided to try life medication free. I realize I need something else to sustain me though. I need meaning. I need to push myself into joy every day.

And I think the dancing and putting it out there into the public as a way of sharing my journey helped, and after I stopped, the depression, of course, did creep back in.

And I’ve gone back on and off medication when the depression became so bad that I knew I needed that kind of help. I recognized it. So now, I find myself back in that place. Back on antidepressants as a way to stay functioning.

Yoga helps me, too.

But I’ve been having an urge to get off the mat and shake it. And I just want to follow my heart again. And see if it might help, even a little.

Here’s to another, Day 1: "Take Me to Church," by Hozier.

To the Mom Struggling to Survive:

It’s ok to feel depressed.

It’s ok to say things to your kids you wish you could take back.

You can take them back. You can ask for forgiveness.

Sometimes all you can see are the shadows

You can explain to your children that sometimes even moms struggle.

It’s ok to be glad when you drop your kids off at school and to be frustrated when it’s already time to meet the bus.

It’s ok to want time to yourself, to want to have no responsibilities and to want your pre-mommy body back.

It’s understandable to feel like life for everyone would be better if you didn’t exist.

And it is ok to feel guilty afterwards for thinking that. Or to not feel guilty—to feel confused.

It’s ok if you don’t want to bake cookies or sew your own Halloween costumes. It’s ok to spend $20 on costumes at Walmart.

It’s ok if you sometimes feel like you can’t go on, that you made a mistake, that you weren’t made for this mothering thing.

And it’s ok to feel depressed about your life even if to others your life looks perfect, even then.

Maybe more so then.

You do not have to beat yourself up about feeling depressed; that will only make you feel worse.

Sometimes you will feel differently. I promise you. Even if it’s not today or tomorrow. One day, you will feel happy again.

You will smell their sweetness again. You will savor their hugs. You will feel their love’s penetrating power.

So hold on until then.

Do your best to maintain, to push on, to know that it gets better.

Because it does. It will.

You are never alone, even if it feels that way.

Even when it feels like no one understands you or what you are experiencing and you just don’t know what to do. Close your eyes, take a breath and know that somewhere, someplace, there is love.

And let that be enough.

*Inspired by Wendy Wisner's: "To the Mom of a Nursing Toddler"

Through the Fires: Writing, Life and Motherhood

By Alicia Ogg

I started reading and writing when I was 4-years-old. I used to make little books, mostly about my cat (c-a-t being the first word I ever wrote). I still have some of these books, which my mother would cut and staple together for me to read to her. My creativity was always encouraged and realized; as I got older, it was something I took for granted. I've written in a journal since the age of six, using it as my safe place to organize my thoughts—a form of catharsis and therapy.

Photo of Alicia Ogg - Mom Writer

In 1995 when I was 14, my home burned down while all of us were sleeping. I'm the oldest of four and everyone was able to get out safely, but I couldn't stop blaming myself for putting the clothes in the dryer before I went to bed, the cause of my family's loss of all of our possessions and home.

I lost almost all of my writing in the fire. My mom did find a box that had some of my art and some of the little books I'd written that had been stuffed under the bed and between other things, so it was protected, so I still have a peek at what I was like. After the fire, I separated my life into two sections—it was always “before” and “after” the fire. I feel like I lost a huge part of myself, and while I've been able to gain some of it back, I've lost so many memories from not having my early journals available. It still makes me sad, especially when I hear of others who go through situations of loss. Writing helped me get through it and have an avenue to express myself.

Writing notebooks of poems was my way to purge my teen angst. I was then diagnosed with clinical depression as a sophomore in high school. I felt that I was unlovable and even if I ever found someone to marry me (did I even want to be married?), I would never bring children into this horrible world to suffer so much pain. I was hospitalized for two weeks because I couldn't think about anything except death, although the actual act of dying terrified (and still terrifies) me. All I remember while being there was writing and drawing pictures to pass the time.

I'm ready to revisit my past through writing and am in a much more objective space now that I'm older. Writing for me has been a private act for the most part, although I've never had trouble telling others about my experiences. My hope is that letting others read about my circumstances will help them in some way, moms particularly.

When writing or painting, my biggest concern is that I won't be able to translate my thoughts and feelings as explicitly as I want to, to get my meaning across the way I want. College was spent learning that no matter what you do, you can't control what someone else will get out of your art. My concerns and excitement about putting my writing out there are sort of one in the same and for me depends on the reader's reaction or response.

I recently tuned into NPR when they were talking about memory and new findings about how they've actually formulated a drug that can erase things that you don't want to remember (at least in mice for now.) The more often you revisit a certain memory, the less real it becomes. Each time you're actually just revisiting the memory of the memory of the memory. While listening, I felt glad that I had written down my past while the event and feelings were occurring because I always have a fresh, original memory to go back to. Sure, the meaning changes depending on age and circumstances, like reading 'Catcher in the Rye' when you're out of college vs. 12 years old, even though the words are the same.

Since having children, two boys, one just turned five and the other will be two at the end of January, time has flown by. When I had my second, I couldn't believe that my older boy had ever been that little. You think you're going to remember every single moment, but in two years I'd forgotten some of the things I went through during pregnancy.

Photo of Alicia Ogg and her children

You can call it 'mommy-brain' or 'pregnancy brain,' but the reality is, you can't remember every minute of every day of your or your children's lives. If it's true that you're just remembering a memory of a memory, I think it’s important to write down experiences when they’re fresh in your mind.

I'd always send my friend (what he found to be hilarious) emails about all the weird things I was going through during pregnancy, or the funny things my boys do and say, so I go back and read those, too. It doesn't have to be a lot, just little tidbits can jog your brain into going back to that day when he said his first word or she started to unzip her own coat, or that weird thing your baby's been doing in your belly that makes your kidneys feel like they're in your throat. I'm so glad I've documented my life and my kid's lives through writing so I have those memories preserved.

When Celebrities Rape: Blame the Victim?

The Daily Mail UK reports on Bill Cosby's lawyer's statement:

Cosby's lawyers slammed Valentino's account—and the 15 others—as 'increasingly ridiculous'. Martin Singer, an attorney for Cosby, said in a statement on Friday: 'The new, never-before-heard claims from women who have come forward in the past two weeks with unsubstantiated, fantastical stories about things they say occurred 30, 40, or even 50 years ago have escalated far past the point of absurdity.  

'These brand new claims about alleged decades-old events are becoming increasingly ridiculous, and it is completely illogical that so many people would have said nothing, done nothing, and made no reports to law enforcement or asserted civil claims if they thought they had been assaulted over a span of so many years.' 

Cosby’s lawyer’s statement has raised such anger in me as I can only imagine it has for the women directly involved in any similar rape or attempted rape experience.

 Bill Cosby Creative Commons Image

Regardless of whether Cosby is innocent or guilty, what is “absurd” is that a lawyer has no knowledge or understanding of what a rape victim goes through or how unlikely it has been in the past for a woman to come forward with allegations.

Thankfully, times have changed somewhat for the crime and some women do feel the strength to press charges. But the reality of the alleged situations with Bill Cosby is that when someone in a position of power, wealth and adored status by society is accused of something like rape, the “absurdity” created in the culture’s collective mind cannot make sense of that public figure actually being a villain and so must belittle the victim or victims instead to allow for the dissonance.

My celebrity attempted rape experience differed in that my perpetrator was well-known at the time for being a “pickup artist.”

“His libido was so legendary that in 1989 Spy magazine published an eight-page foldout chart of his exploits called “The Pick-Up Artist’s Guide to Picking Up Women.””

James Toback  http://www.metro.us/

The fact that what Toback did to naïve young women, and for all I know, probably still does today, is considered a “pick-up” and not rape says a lot about the problem of celebrity in our society.

My “pick-up” by Toback started just like his others, but I did not know about his reputation at the time. I was a struggling New York City actress who fell for his line of making me a star in his next film.

Yes, even though red flags kept waving in my mind, I kept squelching them because of who he was. This was the big time; this was a real film director.

So, as the flashing signs became brighter, my mind continually told me that what I thought was happening, must be wrong. This was someone I could trust.

It was not until he stripped all his clothes off and slammed me up against a wall that I knew I was in trouble.
After I escaped his apartment, I was beyond embarrassed and hurt. I felt betrayed and ridiculous.

I was unable to speak about the experience because I knew what people would say: you asked for it; you walked right into it; no one made you go to his apartment.

But does any of that make me guilty for his actions?

What is this world becoming that we can’t trust someone’s words? That we can’t trust in the people we’ve been taught we can trust?

But the bigger problem we need to worry about is the fear that many women must live with—will I be raped? And if so, will I even be believed? Or will I be treated like the responsible party or possibly even the villain?