Today Is

Today is my birthday. Today is the day before my wedding.

I am feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from my body at the moment. We had a big family dinner at The Delhi Palace. There were seventeen of us around a long table on the second floor. Nick, Genny and I sat at the head of the table.

I felt like I was hovering above the table, floating atop everyone’s heads and gently waving hello to all below me. The constant feeding of Genny of bread and chicken and cucumber slices is like a fly buzzing about your face, so close, so there, so far.

And the crushing down responsibility of knowing we need to take her home and put her to bed and then feed her again tomorrow and the next day. We must consider her in everything. Consider her before we consider ourselves.

Nick got me a beautiful chocolate cake with cannoli filling. Everyone sang Happy Birthday to me. I could hear the applause from downstairs as well. So nice. So about me. Maybe that’s part of the overwhelming feeling, knowing people love me and think about me in the way I feel about Genny.

I’ve never dealt well with receiving things. I tried to give myself over to it tonight and just allow myself to sink back and savor the generosity of those who love me.

I feel so tired now. Tomorrow I will be married.